Mrs. Taylor

watch me have a mental breakdown over my dead husband IN REAL TIME!
Cancer is a cunt 🖕🏻

[Mrs. Taylor @gothtrashqueen]

I'm abandoning this account.
I'm finally starting to heal and I'm learning to exist around my grief.

I promise the new account won't only be my menty b's in real time.
@legallygothjd

Thanks for listening 🖤

[Mrs. Taylor @gothtrashqueen]

And while Nigel would be flattered to have mourners so viscerally and passionately dedicated to his memory, I was told to soar in his absence.
And so I will, to honor him as best as I can.

[Mrs. Taylor @gothtrashqueen]

Am I a bad person because I'm not grieving the same way as everyone else anymore?
Do they look at me and think "she must not have loved him that much" because of what I'm doing with my grief?
I miss him every day. With every beat of my heart.

[Mrs. Taylor @gothtrashqueen]

Who am I
When was the last time I was actually me
A full persona symphony
Instead of an echo of a few notes that may have sounded familiar once

[Mrs. Taylor @gothtrashqueen]

I miss him with every beat of my heart.

[Mrs. Taylor @gothtrashqueen]

I failed the bar. But I'll get it in July.

In the interim, it seems like I'm going to be all sorts of fucked up about my best friend getting everything I've ever wanted.

I'm so beyond happy for her; her happiness means the entire world to me. But I'm beyond devastated for me.

[Mrs. Taylor @gothtrashqueen]

I doubt I'll be so lucky as to find someone who looks at me the way Nigel did. Or who thinks I'm half as lovely and worthwhile as he did.

[Mrs. Taylor @gothtrashqueen]

Failed the bar. I don't know why the fuck I had hope to the contrary.

I am an incredibly bad investment.

[Mrs. Taylor @gothtrashqueen]

I find out if I passed the bar today.

Dear Gd.

[Mrs. Taylor @gothtrashqueen]

I can't live with this kind of pain anymore

[Mrs. Taylor @gothtrashqueen]

Rn

[Mrs. Taylor @gothtrashqueen]

I will never know normalcy again in my life.

I am broken because of Gd and grief.

[Mrs. Taylor @gothtrashqueen]

"You didn't legally get married, and were never going to, so you AREN'T his wife."

I'll just be an imposter my whole life I guess.

Fuck me, do I miss my universe.

[Mrs. Taylor @gothtrashqueen]

Sometimes it upsets me when I see other people post about how they loved my husband, and then to see the comments supporting those people, confirming that he loved them, too, somehow makes me feel worse. Protective? Jealous that they got so much more time than me?

[Mrs. Taylor @gothtrashqueen]

Like, no. You got some of the best of him. But I had the best AND the rest of him. Save for a few, very intimate exceptions.

And then there's the voice in my head that says I was nothing but a glorified fangirl and that my relationship with him was a farce at best

[Mrs. Taylor @gothtrashqueen]

F u c k

I just don't want to fucking do this anymore

[Mrs. Taylor @gothtrashqueen]

If I'm being perfectly honest, I don't want to stay alive anymore.

[Mrs. Taylor @gothtrashqueen]

It's here.
I've nearly crossed the finish line.
All of the tears and sleepless nights and panic attacks...
I'm going to pass. It's all going to have been worth it.

To everyone sitting this week: make the bar your bitch. 🖤

[Mrs. Taylor @gothtrashqueen]

I want to be beautiful and in love.