Grant

[Nintendo of America @NintendoAmerica]

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time will be reborn on Nintendo Switch 2 in 2026. #NintendoDirect

[John “The Neanderthal” Fetterman @CavemanSenator]

Using my ballsack as a gripper to open a pickle jar

[Eli Berkovits @BookOfEli_NFL]

John Elway - 300 TDs | 226 INTs

Aaron Rodgers - 527 TDs | 123 INTs

[Tucker Kraft Enjoyer @KraftGOAT]

The 0 time MVP is better than the 4x MVP? I’m so sure

[turbomander @turbomander]

me: homunculus, have you seen my scrying orb?
my loathsome and suspiscously orb-shaped homunculus:

[Daddy’s Lambeau 🧀 @Daddys_Lambeau]

Bears fans coming on X to say “Packers got their QB1” after seeing the news of Green Bay signing Tyrod Taylor:

[John Kennedy @FrazzleMyGimp]

“wait a second… Heat rises” (it hits me) “heat rises!”

Bank teller on floor: what?

“Heat rises!”

(I rush at the armed robber and he shoots me in the face killing me instantly. It’s unclear what my plan was)

[Massimo @Rainmaker1973]

Death Valley National Park is experiencing its first major superbloom in a decade as of March/April 2026, driven by record winter rainfall (1.7 – 2.5+ inches) that transformed the desert landscape with vibrant carpets of yellow, pink, and purple flowers.
https://t.co/YgaHskYSlM

[HowlingMutant @Howlingmutant0]

Making love to a woman only for her to wake in the dead of night to find me perched on her fire escape like a gargoyle and I whisper “Dont tell the world about my penis” before I extend my arms like the Crow and drop backwards, breaking every bone in my body on the pavement below

[horse dentist @equine__dentist]

can i come over and stare at you like a sopping wet beast

[1️⃣ @HoodiWaymo]

The Bears could sign a dog with no back legs and their fanbase would find a way to hype it up

[autist @litteralyme0]

How your dad looks at you when you don't want to help him move 10000 pounds of dirt at 6am on a Sunday

[debo @killmefam]

The game warden checked my fishing license 3 times in 1 hour and then magdumped me

[Manoco @Moonlighhy]

I heard that if you use your hand to block your vision, it will stick its head out and peek.

[mr online @Absolunar]

Gm

[ً @NotJosephGarcia]

I think the hardest I’ve ever laughed was the time I saw a common man fall victim to circumstances beyond his control.

[doomer @uncledoomer]

i look like this and act like this

[John “The Neanderthal” Fetterman @CavemanSenator]

Im gonna blow the fucking Easter bunny’s head straight off his fucking shoulders if he breaks into my house tonight

[Tucker Kraft Dynasty Owner🍺🧀🐐 @GOATRodgersSZN]

Bears fans will make their kids hold “Green Bay sucks” signs at baseball games in March then tell you with a straight face that Packers fans talk about the Bears more than the other way around