Grant Mitchell

Insurance salesman who loves to make people laugh. Obsessed with Disney, music, singing, travel, baseball, and food. I love all things St. Louis. Go Cardinals!!

[Grant Mitchell @grantmitchell09]

Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

[Grant Mitchell @grantmitchell09]

A fine is a tax for doing something wrong. A tax is a fine for doing something right.

[Grant Mitchell @grantmitchell09]

The recliner I just sat in has this neat feature - when you lean back in it, just before it catches, it instills within you the fear that you are about to die.

[Vivek Ramaswamy @VivekGRamaswamy]

If you’re 18 & want to be a rebel, try this: tell your classmates you love your country, believe in God, and want to get married & raise your kids in a stable nuclear family. See what happens. 🇺🇸

[Grant Mitchell @grantmitchell09]

My body is a temple.

That is, it feels and looks like something that was destroyed by the Romans some 2500 years ago...

[Grant Mitchell @grantmitchell09]

I accidentally ate some cat food. The bad news is my breath smells like fish. The good news is my body hair has never had a healthier shine.

[Grant Mitchell @grantmitchell09]

At what age do you stop sniffing your kid's crotch to see if they wet themselves? Because my mom is out of control with that...

[Grant Mitchell @grantmitchell09]

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I’m completely dismayed.

[Grant Mitchell @grantmitchell09]

My grief counselor died last week...

But she was so good at her job that I
don't even care.

[Grant Mitchell @grantmitchell09]

Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Today has been canceled, go back to sleep."

[Grant Mitchell @grantmitchell09]

If you give a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day.

If you set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

[Grant Mitchell @grantmitchell09]

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control... I thought to myself "Well, this changes everything"

[Dom Lucre | Breaker of Narratives @dom_lucre]

This Uber driver, a Black woman Lamiyah Jabbar, age 30, picked up a White woman named Diane, who opened up to her about her financial struggles on the way to work at fast food chain Tim Hortons in Buffalo, New York.

Lamiyah dropped Diane at her job, and instead of picking up a new passenger, Lamiyah drove to a shopping mall to visit several stores and asked women who looked to be about Diane's size what clothes they liked to wear and bought those clothes for Diane along with a gift card.

I emphasized the race of the women in this video because that’s all I see on this platform now from both parties but only when the video makes either race look bad. We can also show the good in both sides.

[Grant Mitchell @grantmitchell09]

Fiancee: Can you take the dog out, please?
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* It is! What are you gonna have?

[Grant Mitchell @grantmitchell09]

Please congratulate me on my new position!

It's the fetal position, and I'm gonna be in it for awhile...

[Grant Mitchell @grantmitchell09]

Qqaww is wertyyyiioplmlķjjhgfwqmbvcxzmxzaszxxcf tv

[Grant Mitchell @grantmitchell09]

How did I get Abby Mitchell to marry me? Simple. I told her I was available for a limited time only and her womanly shopping instincts kicked in.

[Grant Mitchell @grantmitchell09]

I did a children's workout, this morning... I can really feel it in my head, shoulders, knees, and toes.

Knees and toes.

[Tyler Todt @tyromper]

If you do what you did in the BEGINNING of your marriage at the END of your marriage……

Then there will never be an END.

•Rekindle that flame.
•Keep dating, pursuing & laughing.

Grow together!

Nothing will better our society more than LOCKED IN homes raising strong kids.

[Grant Mitchell @grantmitchell09]

It disgusts me to see how many people cheat on their taxes. This is not the world I want to raise my 37 dependants in!