Gerard Rokosz

[Gerard Rokosz @grokz414]

*walking out of the house*

Dad: make sure to put the hose away when we leave

Em: oh G looks like you gotta stay home you hose

Me: i hate how funny that is

[Gerard Rokosz @grokz414]

Em: dad is there a gun in your backpack?

Dad: nope

Em: ok good so i can rest my head on it?

Dad: oh wait my backpack? Yes theres a gun in there. Its not loaded so youre good.

[Gerard Rokosz @grokz414]

Mom: honey did you do number 2?

Dad: no not yet

Mom: well were not leaving until you go number 2

Dad: thats okay, ill just do it in my pants.

He said it so convincingly too

[Gerard Rokosz @grokz414]

@DanPovenmire coming on stage at warped tour to do the phineas and ferb theme song with @bfsrocks was not on my 2025 bingo card

[Gerard Rokosz @grokz414]

Not now, i have bigger fish to fry.
*takes off the tilapia, puts salmon on the stove*

[Gerard Rokosz @grokz414]

Ive reached a new level of adulthood i wasnt aware of: had a stress dream about not being able to find anything i need @Lowes …woke up in a cold sweat

[Gerard Rokosz @grokz414]

Mom: you wanna know whats interesting about Martha Stewart’s kitchen?

Me: i cant say thats something I’ve thought about but go on

[Gerard Rokosz @grokz414]

There should be no reason for a concert with three bands to end after 10pm. Bro i am tired end the damn set already

[Gerard Rokosz @grokz414]

When i was a kid i used to cluck like a chicken, my mom would just tell me “stop using that fowl language”

[Gerard Rokosz @grokz414]

Who at fox keeps letting @RobLowe host wildly outrageous game shows that dont make sense??

[internet hall of fame @InternetH0F]

ㅤ

[internet hall of fame @InternetH0F]

☠️

[Gerard Rokosz @grokz414]

Mom: what time are you going out with your friends?

Me: like 2

Mom: *GASPS* youre going day drinking?

Me: its what the founding fathers would’ve wanted

[Gerard Rokosz @grokz414]

At my doctors office, i hear him on the phone going “i have a new saying: if you want to be my friend, dont invite me anywhere. Better yet dont call, dont text me”

John is a mood

[Gerard Rokosz @grokz414]

Mom gets home from her trip to canada:

Mom: Emily, i just want you to know, if you came with us you would’ve been unbearable. Like if you came you would have hated everything we did

Em: wow mom it sounds like you really missed me

[Gerard Rokosz @grokz414]

Everyday my dad gives me his report on the dog’s bowel movements.

He calls it the poop scoop.

[Gerard Rokosz @grokz414]

If anyone wants to take out the fire nation, todays the day

[Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes]

I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes.

I turned to a local tribesman and said "That lizards really funny."

The tribesman replied, "That's not a lizard. He's a stand up chameleon."

[Gerard Rokosz @grokz414]

Sitting at dinner in complete silence, dad looks up and goes “those multivitamins made my pee look like mountain dew”

Literally zero context whatsoever