Tim Martin

I'm Tim Martin, chairman of JD Wetherspoon, a luxury business catering to bitter old alcoholics in the mornings and pissed-up students in the evenings (parody).

[Tim Martin @GroovyTimbo]

Small boats this, small boats that...how about a great selection of affordable small plates? Including our new 8" (yes, that's Great British INCHES) pizzas. As if anything over, say for example, 4" wasn't just showing off

[Tim Martin @GroovyTimbo]

@AndyGJBurge @miffythegamer @LBC 😡😡😡 Delete this, Andy!

[Tim Martin @GroovyTimbo]

@culakula @UKjdspoons Our soups, much like my carnal abilities, are very much two slurps and it's over

[Tim Martin @GroovyTimbo]

@StephenArcherSX Would you like to buy it?

[Tim Martin @GroovyTimbo]

Is anyone in the market for a few pubs? Going cheap.

[Tim Martin @GroovyTimbo]

@catherina34 Think you've accidentally visited one of our vegan pubs, better luck next time though!

[Tim Martin @GroovyTimbo]

@marmitesmudge Use ketchup and pretend you're colourblind.

[Tim Martin @GroovyTimbo]

Fuming. Parked the Cortina down the docks and paced up & down, angrily smoking. Threw the dog-end in the water; it was like something out of Cracker. Flipped the trusty Motorola Razr open and called our media man, Eddie Gershon, smoke billowing about my face. "Get me Kuenssberg."

[Tim Martin @GroovyTimbo]

Tariffs? Trade? Who in the hell is supposed to keep up with all this jargon? Imports? Exports? All your women things? All your frilly things? Brexit has been such a success in so many invisible ways but quite frankly Spoons is bigger than this. It's bigger than Europe.

[Tim Martin @GroovyTimbo]

@Holly_x_o @Jam_Jar_Head Well alright, but strictly for my huns - no students or smelly old Wetherspoons OAPs allowed

[Tim Martin @GroovyTimbo]

@andytj32 Thanks Andy, we do our best. Last time I visited our Fraserburgh branch I drank so much that I ended up kipping in a shop doorway. Mind you, that's true of a lot of towns I've visited when working. I was urinated on once or twice, I suspect deliberately. Anyway, enjoy the ciders!

[Tim Martin @GroovyTimbo]

I get very frequent letters from female fans asking for more pictures of yours truly, so do please enjoy. Ladies, I am married, so don't get carried away! I am always free to discuss Brexit or the powerful anti-salt lobby though, one-on-one, but my wife will need to know.

[Tim Martin @GroovyTimbo]

@NguyenD33862856 bruh my arms are so heavy it's dropping soon bby

[Tim Martin @GroovyTimbo]

@DrPeterVenkman7 @helenmeltz @TheSwanLB I wouldn't know - I stopped frequenting pubs years ago. People were starting to comment on my shaking hands. It's cornershop vodka these days. Raj, my usual fella, doesn't care. Sometimes he has to take my wallet from my pocket. No judgment at all. God bless him. It's an illness.

[Tim Martin @GroovyTimbo]

@sinot196 Drug addiction is an illness. Perhaps you should have been a bit more compassionate. Not too late to apologise - you can drop in a hand-written letter at the Picture House on Monday morning.

[Tim Martin @GroovyTimbo]

@Aimeeleigh96x I sympathise entirely Aimee. I myself made the switch to clear spirits, neat, after the collapse of my third wedding. From there, it was turps and methylated spirit. Eventually I was on a waiting list for a new liver. My ex-wife wouldn't take my calls...what was my point again?

[Tim Martin @GroovyTimbo]

Wetherspoons NFTs available for purchase now. Why not spunk your giro...er, hard earned wages on this wonderful gammon, egg and chips, for example? You can almost taste how stone cold those McCains are through your phone screen, can't you? Ethereum and postal orders accepted.

[Tim Martin @GroovyTimbo]

@CarpeZytha Fun fact: after watching Dawn of the Dead (1978) I was immediately on the phone to my CEO, John Hutson. "John, I've seen the future of pubs"

[Tim Martin @GroovyTimbo]

@Iblogtoglasgow Great men sometimes need to make great sacrifices. I'll be back, richer and more opinionated than ever, you'll see.

[Tim Martin @GroovyTimbo]

@2017ActNow @Tunonegro1946 @Nigel_Farage Anyone else willing to have a swing at this?