guomen quotes

Quotes from Priest's novel Guomen, translated by @chaikat and bleachedfish on Wattpad. Check the carrd for more details!

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What about me? Xu Xilin thought. Then, with blind confidence, he pushed away his baseless fears. I definitely won't either. Every day that we can be together is one more day I can spend loving him.

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After a long while, he finally stammered: "I'm going back to school."
Dou Xun glanced downstairs. He saw that Grandma's room was still quiet so he boldly made his request. "Can I kiss you before I go?"
Xu Xilin, "..."

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One fall and it was a total collapse. He no longer had the strength to fight. He pressed one hand on Dou Xun's back, pushing Dou Xun towards himself, and in a moment of desperation, he turned his head and kissed Dou Xun on the side of his neck.

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She said, "Next time, when you meet someone you like, don't waste time. If you waste your time, it'll be gone. If there's someone you don't like coming on to you, ignore them. You don't have to be so considerate of everyone's feelings. A one-sided crush is a painful feeling."

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Xu Xilin wanted to have his cake and eat it too, he wanted to have everything going his way and getting along like one big happy family. And today, he realised that there was something he was unable to achieve—he wanted Dou Xun but he didn't want to be gay.

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Xu Xilin sat beside him in silence. He understood this body language: you make me hurt but I still can't bear to shoot you dead the way I shot the other things that made me hurt, so I can only endure even if it kills me.
Xu Xilin suddenly felt his heart hurt.

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Dou Xun stared at him in confusion for a while, like he was trying to remember when he had gained a brother and was unsure whether or not to call him "ge." Xu Xilin pushed his luck. "It's okay if you don't want to call me 'ge.' You can call me daddy."

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Song Lianyuan was amused by his antics. "This little kid has been drinking until he doesn't even know his own name anymore but he's still very protective of you."
Xu Xilin's face was heating up from embarrassment. He quickly said goodbye and stuffed Dou Xun into the cab.

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Dou Xun remained squatting on the floor and lifted his head to look at him. There seemed to be a glimmer of tears in his eyes. Then, as though he had been caught peeking, he guiltily lowered his head and whispered, "My heart… doesn't feel well."
Xu Xilin, "..."

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He wanted to surrender to his fear and panic, and shout, "They say my mum is gone, they're lying." He wanted to be like a little boy and hide fearfully behind his grandmother, and let the adults handle and decide everything.

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"Do you know why were here today?" To prove that he was not stirring up trouble for no reason, Wu Tao first read out Dou Xun's crimes to him. "You beat up my bro and you think you can get away for free?
Dou Xun finally opened his mouth. His reply was succinct. "No. So how much?"

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Xu Xilin laughed bitterly. "Now, I have no choice. You can stop me from smoking and drinking, but you can't stop me from loving someone. Not unless you kill me."
Xu Xilin said sincerely, "If you kill me, it'll just change to past tense—I loved him when I was alive."

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At a loss, he spaced out for a while. Then, he suddenly turned his head and said to Song Lianyuan, "It's a terminal illness. There's no cure… Do you still take me as a brother?"

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When Dou Xun saw Xu Xilin full of tubes going into his body, he nearly fell apart, losing consciousness for a few seconds. When he came back to himself, he realised that he was being dragged out by Song Lianyuan and a medical personnel, one person on each side of his body.

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He stared determinedly at Xu Xilin for a while and for a moment, Xu Xilin thought that Dou Xun would ask why Xu Xilin had not picked up his calls. But Dou Xun did not ask anything. His eyes were a little wet and had a touch of indescribable fear in them. "I missed you."

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What about me? Xu Xilin thought. Then, with blind confidence, he pushed away his baseless fears. I definitely won’t either. Every day that we can be together is one more day I can spend loving him.

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“Don’t reject the call, what if something happened? You don’t have to worry about me, just take care of your own matters,” Dou Xun said.

With a half-smile, Xu Xilin said, “It’s nothing. I don’t have anything more important.”

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His eyes that looked like they wanted to tear a person limb from limb landed on Xu Xilin’s back that appeared thinner and narrower with every passing day. In his heart, he thought with bullheaded obstinacy, I will never let you go, even if I die.

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Dou Xun turned around again and repeated seriously. “Mum, we will be leaving now.”
From the photo on the tombstone, Xu Jin gave him a long and meaningful smile.

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Without warning, Dou Xun hugged him from behind. He lightly kissed Xu Xilin on the side of his neck and said softly, “Happy New Year.”

Xu Xilin hesitated a while. “...Mm.”

The old year was over, the new year had begun.