taylor p.

📍West Villy, Detroit. Design + Socials @ Bird Fight Records. Karaoke Queen. Down for whatever but only with you 🍒

[taylor p. @halftaylorr]

If the presidential election were an enemies to lovers romance novel, we’d be at the part when Trump shows up at the White House, covered in ear blood and with nowhere else to go. Joe Biden would answer the door, take one look at Trump and ask "…who did this to you?"

[taylor p. @halftaylorr]

Somewhere out there, there’s a white man who has just been given one half of the Phoebe Bridgers x @catbirdnyc kissing skull charms by his pharb gf. And he doesn’t appreciate what a special gift that is 💀💔

[taylor p. @halftaylorr]

Ticketmaster really is a stupid bitch

[taylor p. @halftaylorr]

Can we get Party in the USA (Miley’s version) (10 minute version)

[taylor p. @halftaylorr]

(Me, exhausted and wanting a red bull)
My mom: that’s too much sugar you want to fit into your dress.
Me: I’m not going to gain or lose enough weight in the next 48 hours to make a difference.
Mom: but what about the bloating?

[taylor p. @halftaylorr]

For the next two days I will be tweeting things my mom says while she is in town for my wedding

First, she told the barista at Red Hook “whole milk is fine I don’t need that liberal milk (oat/nut milk/2%/skim)”

[taylor p. @halftaylorr]

Trying to convince my mom that Detroit is a safe place to stay for my wedding has been the fight of my life. This woman has not even been in Michigan in over a decade and has fully internalized all the times she heard that Detroit is one of the most dangerous cities in America.

[taylor p. @halftaylorr]

My sister asked me if I had picked a song for Jordan and I’s first dance. I haven’t. My sisters first dance song was “Control” by Puddle of Mudd. For this reason, I have instructed the DJ to not accept any of her song requests.

[taylor p. @halftaylorr]

A t-shirt for Jordan but it’s says

“My fiancés grandpa died and all I got was all of his vintage graphic tees and hats”

[taylor p. @halftaylorr]

Well well well if it isn’t time for my bi-daily watch of the Mummy (1999) starring Oscar Winner, Brendan Fraser.

[taylor p. @halftaylorr]

It never gets any easier, another Saint Patrick’s Day without her…

[taylor p. @halftaylorr]

My home-state-bride-to-be Facebook group is a lawless nation but if I see one more bride saying her theme is rustic chic, I will drink bleach. RUSTIC CHIC IS AN OXYMORON THERE IS NOTHING CHIC ABOUT YOUR MASON JAR BURLAP RIBBON CENTERPIECES I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL.

[taylor p. @halftaylorr]

No one in this Chili’s knows that I was able to purchase the Catbird x Phoebe Bridgers kissing skull friendship charms before they sold out

[taylor p. @halftaylorr]

@JordanJordan_W Hurry up and marry me so I can divorce you

[taylor p. @halftaylorr]

Millennials love posting baby bump pics and telling you what food their baby is the size of

[taylor p. @halftaylorr]

@smashmouth u still trying to book a photo shoot with Alexis Backus? It’s been 5 years but the internet remembers

[taylor p. @halftaylorr]

@JordanJordan_W The human centipede was also 100% scientifically accurate

[taylor p. @halftaylorr]

Being in the top 2% of Taylor Swift’s listeners on Spotify and securing tickets to the Eras Tour when there was only a 2% chance of getting tickets has me feeling like I crashed my Scion TC at 100 mph

[taylor p. @halftaylorr]

John: will you make an invite image for the Christmas Party?
Me, an extremely hire-able artist: sure but it’s going to be the worst thing you’ve ever seen.

Come to our Christmas party.

[taylor p. @halftaylorr]

There will be polka

[taylor p. @halftaylorr]

@alyankovic come to Detroit for our first annual Weird Alsgiving party