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putin opened the tomb of Dmitry Donskoy to send his 14th-century bones to the 'SMO'. The Kremlin is once again turning to Orthodox saints in hopes of helping the army fighting in Ukraine. putin called the discovery of the relics of warlord, Dmitry Donskoy, miraculous. In a masterclass of desperation disguised as statecraft, mass murderer, putin strolled down to Moscow’s Archangel Cathedral to inspect the newly unboxed skeleton of Grand Prince Dmitry Donskoy. Apparently, the Russian Orthodox Church, acting as an auxiliary branch of the FSB and the Ministry of Defense, happened to trip over the medieval prince's crypt during some routine floor renovations. Instead of, say, letting a warlord, who died in 1389 rest in peace, the brilliant minds in Moscow decided the absolute best use for a pile of ancient bones is packing them into a crate and shipping them straight to the trenches. The bones will be placed in several special reliquaries. These are intended to be sent to the front lines and travel across military units to be venerated by Orthodox servicemen participating in the ongoing conflict in Ukraine. putin expressed his approval of these plans. Nothing screams "modern military dominance" quite like deploying calcium phosphate from the Middle Ages to boost troop morale. One can only imagine the tactical briefing at army headquarters. General staff must have looked at satellite maps, logistics bottlenecks, and supply shortages, and collectively sighed: "You know what will fix this? A dead prince’s bones”. At this rate, if the medieval skull department doesn't yield immediate battlefield results, expect the Kremlin to start exhuming Ivan the Terrible to handle logistics or drafting bog bodies into the infantry. After all, when your military strategy enters the realm of necromancy, logic has officially disappeared. (Prince Dmitry Donskoy is celebrated in Russian history for leading the victory over the Mamai Horde at the Battle of Kulikovo in 1389. putin remarked that these findings "reinforce all of the most significant foundations of our history".)