Amy P

Mustard and Sriracha are all that matter

[Amy P @hashtagpizzle]

Today I reached level 6 in cat ownership. I woke up out of a dead sleep and caught her hairball vomit in my cupped hands. #catlife #catlikereflexes

[Amy P @hashtagpizzle]

Does anyone feel like the planned release of the #TyreNicholsVideo is making a sickening parallel to some sort of theatrical hype? Or is it akin to the decision to publish pics of #emmetttill in #jetmagazine and raise awareness of the atrocity?

[Amy P @hashtagpizzle]

Just know that whatever time I say I'll be there, that's actually when I'll leave my house.
#bestintentions
#badestimator
#foreverlate

[Amy P @hashtagpizzle]

I have been told twice, while wearing a mask, by the same grocery store employee, on separate occasions, to "keep smiling". 😑I assure you, i was not smiling.
#surprise #itwasadude #betyoualreadyfiguredthatout

[Amy P @hashtagpizzle]

Y'all ever slip on ice and fall so hard your headphones get knocked out of your ears? Yeah me neither. #lessoninhumility

[Amy P @hashtagpizzle]

So I tried to send a reply on snapchat saying, "I am adamantly anti-selfie" but it auto-corrected to "I am adamantly anti-semite" 😱😱😱 #steppingintomyforeverboxbye

[Amy P @hashtagpizzle]

"love is more powerful than reason. we all know that." ⚔️🛡️👑

[Amy P @hashtagpizzle]

do you know what the weirdest word in the world is?
shrug.
fr. find a weirder one.

[Amy P @hashtagpizzle]

i wonder when i'll learn to brush my teeth BEFORE i get dressed for the day and ruin my shirt. Next decade, maybe? #adultingishard

[Amy P @hashtagpizzle]

@WaywardJesseLee Tell 'em boo.

[Amy P @hashtagpizzle]

i just tried to catch my cat's hairball of puke with a kleenex, thinking i'd prevent the need for clean-up. Did NOT work. 0/10 would not recommend.

[Amy P @hashtagpizzle]

alright, fine. y'all are cute and i hope i find it.
But until then, 💙💙💙.

[Amy P @hashtagpizzle]

"everyone always loves the people that they love" - my nephew, dropping knowledge like nbd

[Amy P @hashtagpizzle]

got to sleep in until almost NOON today (🙌) when my cat whispered, "bitz you BETTER get up or i swear to god i'll piss or shit or vomit somewhere"

[Amy P @hashtagpizzle]

i just ironed my shirt while it was on my body. i win.

[Amy P @hashtagpizzle]

@brycevine hi if you're looking for a stand-in for drew barrymore i'd like an application please ty

[Amy P @hashtagpizzle]

just bought 6 bottles of wine for 5 people. 2 of the 5 won't be drinking any of it. 😬🦃🥂 #slurpyturkeys

[Amy P @hashtagpizzle]

@omp87 I like your attitude

[Amy P @hashtagpizzle]

over an hr away from the church where the wedding starts in an hour. I'm still wearing sweats. And yet I'm jamming out to "Swing" like f*** it. I am a garbage person. But SAVAGE WHERE THE CHORUS AT

[Amy P @hashtagpizzle]

going out of town for 24 hrs- makeup on, outfit picked out, but better make sure i pack everything i own just in case. 🤦‍♀️