Hatton-Garden Cat

I am a cat. I appeared in Hatton Garden (London) on 9/8/19. Where are my owners? The nutter who took me in says I will go to Battersea, whatever that is. HELP!!

[Hatton-Garden Cat @hatton_cat]

I think explanations would be redundant. Merry Christmas and many thanks for everything.

[Hatton-Garden Cat @hatton_cat]

Has anybody else noticed that #UniteToRemain anagrams into 'inane mite rout'? To say naught about "i.e. ruminant toe'. Just wondering.

[Hatton-Garden Cat @hatton_cat]

Another night of shelling. The N says "don't be scared, they're just shooting dogs". A medieval English tradition allegedly.
I say stop this barbaric custom and rid of the vile inbreds humanly, not causing animals (i.e. cats) undue suffering!
#GuyFawkes

[Hatton-Garden Cat @hatton_cat]

The N. is trying to be hip and "involved". How woefully embarrassing!
Says that because the message is "neutral" we won't get a brick through that window. I think we might actually get two - one from each camp. #Brexit #halloween2019 #Caturday

[Hatton-Garden Cat @hatton_cat]

All of a sudden the ‘hood is now a hotbed of propaganda. Saw this in Hatton Wall, on a wall as it were. Nice tag. Subject matter sucks though.

[Hatton-Garden Cat @hatton_cat]

Dear Lord, your birthday lights went up outside my window last night. They might as well keep them there all year round. On reflection, I suppose it creates jobs, but then so does terrorism. People are funny. In a vexing sort of way.

[Hatton-Garden Cat @hatton_cat]

When Russians tear themselves off muck and grime
They realiase it's thoughts - not words - that rhyme,
Whereas in English tongue we simply rue
The fact that if it rhymes - it is untrue.

(Could be A. Pope. But it is not.)

[Hatton-Garden Cat @hatton_cat]

One is not a monarchist per se.
But looking at the history of failed Germanic watercolorists... #adolfhitler One says long live Brenda. Let him paint or die trying. One is a monarchist (per me) after all.

[Hatton-Garden Cat @hatton_cat]

My daily gallop route (I train to be a police horse, you see) is thus: livingroom-corridor(nice little chicane there)-bedroom-dressingroom-bathroom.
I do it with my eyes shut.
But what idiot left the bedroom door closed?!
No prizes for guessing.

[Hatton-Garden Cat @hatton_cat]

Got a new poo-tray. Oh joy. Not.
'Don't get a deep one' quoth the N 'some cats find it
too bothersome to climb in'.
Some may, but not this one; made two jolly turds there in one morning and then went & shat in the bathtub for good measure. Bothersome... Ha!

[Hatton-Garden Cat @hatton_cat]

Sitting on my windowsill, thinking. Lo and behold, whom do I espy huffing and puffing up the street with his ridiculous suitcase? Yes, him. I said ‘meow’ and the idiot said ‘meow’ back! He probably meant ‘how thrilling to see you’. I didn’t.

[Hatton-Garden Cat @hatton_cat]

The N has gone away to some place no well-bred person would know or wish to know how to pronounce. I don't think I miss him. Not a bit. Well, maybe a tiny bit. But no. No. No. No. I don't. Or do I?
Madness.

[Hatton-Garden Cat @hatton_cat]

Discovered that I like medium-rare venison Wellington. Who would have thought! For all his nutterness the Nutter knows his meat. His pastry-making skills are shit though; ate out of pride & politeness; a farty night beacons.

[Hatton-Garden Cat @hatton_cat]

Felt charitable and wanted to help around this shambolic household: fluffed up a Persian rag. The N was apoplectic: "It's a rare early 19 c. silk and camel Bakhtiyari!" Some people just cannot be pleased. (It's probably a cheap Turkish fake anyway.)

[Hatton-Garden Cat @hatton_cat]

If cat's poo is not going to kill this lovely jasmine plant in #HattonPlace then it will make it stronger, more robust and altogether adequately equipped to face the climate change challenge, lol. Mr Darwin would have liked it.

[Hatton-Garden Cat @hatton_cat]

the last day of summer
drab and dull like a brexit
the cat doesn't care
#Caturday #haiku #catpoetry #BrexitShambles

[Hatton-Garden Cat @hatton_cat]

We have this #KoreanBBQ place down the road; as one walks by one ever so wants to go in to check if, you know... if the rumors of woof-woof wraps are true. There, one has said it! The N always prevents one. Well, true or not, it smells dainty! #dogsdinner

[Hatton-Garden Cat @hatton_cat]

The Book says that whilst a decent chap is decent even to his beast, the kindness of fuckers is repulsive (Proverbs 12:10). Cannot agree more. Where is my kind AND decent owner?! #ChristianPets #JewishPets #PetJewsEven #Whatever #OhGod

[Hatton-Garden Cat @hatton_cat]

Met a fox last night. Not impressed. Just a tad less useless creature than a dog really, albeit somewhat more obeisant. Doubt it can spell 'obeisant' though.

[Hatton-Garden Cat @hatton_cat]

If you saw my (admittedly not very Petipa-like) descent from 1st-floor window tonight, please note: it was a fire drill, nowt else. That’s exactly why I hurried back in right away, and NOT (as some evil tongues might suggest) ‘cause I was embarrassed as shit.