Mitch Hedberg

I'm Mitch. I tell jokes.

[Mitch Hedberg @hedberg]

Dogs are forever in the push up position.

[Mitch Hedberg @hedberg]

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, lay down some candy bars.

[Mitch Hedberg @hedberg]

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

[Mitch Hedberg @hedberg]

I saw a human pyramid once. It was totally unnecessary.

[Mitch Hedberg @hedberg]

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

[Mitch Hedberg @hedberg]

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

[Mitch Hedberg @hedberg]

I think Bigfoot is blurry, That's the problem. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.

[Mitch Hedberg @hedberg]

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

[Mitch Hedberg @hedberg]

If u find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it! Build a house. Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.