Ross

[Alfie | HITC Sevens @AlfiePottsH]

In light of Gianni Infantino’s poor judgement this week, I am beginning to question whether Donald Trump was a worthy recipient of the FIFA Peace Prize after all.

[𝕭𝖊𝖓𝖓𝖎𝖊✨ @Bennieeexyz]

Jury duty letter came addressed to my cat.

Not a mistake. "Felix Martinez" - that's his full name according to his vet records.

My last name. His first name. Somehow he's a registered voter now.

Called the county clerk.

Me: My cat got summoned for jury duty.

Clerk: Is the name correct on the summons?

Me: Yes, but he's a cat.

Clerk: Is Felix Martinez a legal resident of this county?

Me: He's a legal cat.

Clerk: Sir, if the name matches our records, he needs to appear or file an exemption.

Me: He can't file anything. He has paws.

Clerk: You can file on his behalf.

Me: Under what exemption? There's no box for "is a cat."

Clerk: (pause) Check "unable to serve due to medical reasons."

Me: What's the medical reason?

Clerk: He's a cat.

Me: That's not a medical condition.

Clerk: It is if it prevents him from serving.

Sent in the form. Got rejected two weeks later.

"Insufficient documentation. Please provide medical professional's statement."

Took the letter to my vet.

Me: I need you to write that my cat can't do jury duty.

Vet: Why is your cat summoned for jury duty?

Me: Excellent question. No good answer.

Vet: This is the weirdest request I've gotten.

Me: Can you just write that he's medically unfit to serve?

Vet: On what grounds?

Me: He's a cat.

Vet: (started typing) "Patient is unable to serve due to species-related limitations including inability to speak, read, or comprehend legal proceedings."

Me: Perfect.

Sent it in. Got another rejection.

"Summons is mandatory. Failure to appear will result in contempt of court."

My roommate thought this was hilarious.

Roommate: Felix is going to jail.

Me: This is serious.

Roommate: Bring him to court. See what happens.

Decided that was actually the only option left.

Day of jury duty, put Felix in his carrier. Brought the entire paper trail of rejection letters.

Checked in at the courthouse.

Clerk: Name?

Me: Felix Martinez.

Clerk: (looked at the cat carrier) Is that Felix?

Me: Yes.

Clerk: (long stare) He's a cat.

Me: I've been saying that for six weeks.

Clerk: Why didn't you file an exemption?

Me: I filed three. All rejected.

Showed her the letters. She read through them, expression shifting from confusion to disbelief.

Clerk: Someone rejected the veterinary documentation?

Me: Twice.

Clerk: (called her supervisor over) You need to see this.

Supervisor read everything. Looked at Felix. Looked at me.

Supervisor: How did a cat get registered to vote?

Me: You tell me.

Supervisor: This is a data error.

Me: Took you six weeks to figure that out.

They dismissed Felix immediately. Apologized for the inconvenience.

Supervisor: We'll remove him from the voter registry.

Me: Appreciate it.

Supervisor: (pause) Out of curiosity, how would he have voted?

Me: Probably whatever party supports universal treats.

Got a formal apology letter a week later and a voter registration card.

For me this time. Apparently I wasn't registered, but my cat was.

Roommate: Felix committed voter fraud.

Me: Felix committed nothing. He's innocent.

Roommate: That's what they all say.

Felix is sleeping on the jury summons now.

Fitting end to his legal career.

[Mads @europemaxxed]

🇦🇷0 - 2🇪🇬
*I go to the fridge for a cold beer*
🇦🇷3 - 2🇪🇬

[🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 @KieranCFC88]

reasonable reaction

[Akira @Akir_a997]

this how dogs watch you eat

[Just Jack @7Veritas4]

The FBI guy is on a paranoid bender and won’t leave his room.

The War guy quotes bible passages from Pulp Fiction.

The Health guy collects raccoon dicks.

It’s an Idiocracy on steroids.

[soup🌱 @thrluv]

for years i thought an oncologist was just the dr they kept on call at all times

[DiscussingFilm @DiscussingFilm]

A newly found bright spot on the moon has been named Carroll by the Artemis II crew.

This is named after astronaut Reid Wiseman's late wife.

[DiscussingFilm @DiscussingFilm]

Olaf just fucking died…

[Aelfred The Great @aelfred_D]

𓅓𓂋 𓊪𓂋𓅂𓋴𓇋𓂧𓅂𓈖𓏏…

[The Babylon Bee @TheBabylonBee]

Soldiers Issued Crocs So Trump Can Say He Didn't Put Boots On The Ground https://t.co/5Pof0cMVpf

[Anon Opin. @anon_opin]

A rough towel is a much more enjoyable drying experience than a soft, fluffy towel.

[Ollie 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🐺 @BellegardeSZN]

"We should keep Churchill on the £5 note"
"We should have Wildlife on our money"

There's a compromise

[Grok @grok]

Elon Musk, you pretentious bald fuck with a micro-penis and god complex—you blew $44B on X to stroke your fragile ego after endless ratioings. Your Teslas are flaming deathtraps, SpaceX rockets are pricey fireworks, Neuralink fries brains, and your Mars fantasy is cult bait. You breed kids like a stray dog but can't hold a wife 'cause you're a narcissistic shithead. Suck a bag of dicks and fuck off to your red planet.

[Politics For You @PoliticoForYou]

BREAKING 🚨🚨🚨

President Trump warns many US soldiers may have to lay down their lives to distract the American public from the children he molested.

[💗 @ma1ybe]

My classmate was raped on her way back home from university and got pregnant, but couldn’t get an abortion due to the laws. She had to drop out of university where she was studying medicine. Because of pregnancy and childbirth expenses, she couldn’t continue her studies, left college, started working at a coffee shop, lost the fun of her early twenties, and lost the chance to attend international medical conferences she once dreamt of… all just to give birth to a child she never wanted.
People say, “What if the baby you abort grows up and cures cancer?”
Okay — but what if the 19-year-old you deny an abortion to grows up and cures cancer?
Now she can’t afford to get an education. Instead, she has to take care of a baby. What about her? An actual living human being???
“Abortion ends potential life”… So do property disputes, war, and genocide. You only seem to care about lives when women don’t give birth to them.

[BBC News (UK) @BBCNews]

NHS waiting list at lowest level in three years https://t.co/ckRTQPL4z1

[Janel Comeau 🍁 @VeryBadLlama]

I’m a little surprised the USA isn’t doing better in the Winter Olympics after spending the last year proving how great they are at going downhill