Scarlett Harlot

[Scarlett Harlot @heericks89]

@mattswider Omg omg omg omg omg! Thank you @mattswider

[Scarlett Harlot @heericks89]

@xcavs31x Bet you the purchaser is a "man, I just love coffee" kind of person.
Sugar. You like sugar.

[Scarlett Harlot @heericks89]

I loved being a barista most days, this shit is why I don't miss it 🤢🤢

[Scarlett Harlot @heericks89]

@xcavs31x beware....

[Wizard Cal 🕯️✨ @MageOfSolitude]

I don’t want a career, I want to wear a fancy robe covered in stars and dispense confusing and ambiguous advice to passing travelers from a large stone cottage on the edge of the woods where I live with a parliament of owls

[The Hoarse Whisperer @TheRealHoarse]

So far, flu deaths are down 99% this flu season.

Maybe we will someday unmask the reason for that.

[Scarlett Harlot @heericks89]

@xcavs31x

[Thoughts of Dog @dog_feelings]

i am just going to be honest. i deserve 1 million kisses. every day

[FLAGscanner.com @FLAGscanner]

BREAKING: Text to 9-1-1 is now available in Coconino County - https://t.co/y2G9xtY8dF

[Dad and Buried @DadandBuried]

*5yo is bouncing off the walls, being loud AF, making all sorts of ridiculous demands and requests*

Wife: (overwhelmed) I don’t want to do this anymore!

Me: What, be a parent? Me neither.

[Scarlett Harlot @heericks89]

@xcavs31x it you!

[Kai Humphries @kaihumphries]

I’ve watched in close proximity as my wife works her ass off from home for nearly a year now and I still have no idea what it is she does

[Payne Lindsey @paynelindsey]

Do. Not. Sell.

[Neil Gaiman @neilhimself]

There. A whole set of tweets written just before bed and set to go out when I'm fast asleep. I'm vaguely worried that I've mistimed them, but too late now. Here are the first seven members of the #Sandman cast to be announced officially. Seven down, hundreds to go.

[Paid Extra to Yell @bird_facts_]

Pandemic Day 25: I made bread :)

Day 95: I sure do miss my friends

....

Day 310: The White House appears to be under the control of a shirtless man in a Viking helmet

Day 330: Reddit’s coordinated attack on Wall Street is going as planned

[Scarlett Harlot @heericks89]

Do we know exactly when @TheOnion stopped being satire?

[The Onion @TheOnion]

Inaugural Address Spills Over Into Second Day As Biden Continues To List Greatest Issues Facing Nation https://t.co/bAHvtKgeA1

[Scarlett Harlot @heericks89]

@xcavs31x
Well, I think we know which one we will each be...

[Arianna Bradford @thearibradford]

When COVID is over, there’ll be 2 types of people: Those who want to compensate for lost time and go everywhere , and those who are so used to being hermits that just the idea of people makes them itchy.

Invariably, one of each of these will be dating or married to each other.

[Scarlett Harlot @heericks89]

😍😍

[Signal @signalapp]

Signal is back! Like an underdog going through a training montage, we’ve learned a lot since yesterday — and we did it together. Thanks to the millions of new Signal users around the world for your patience. Your capacity for understanding inspired us while we expanded capacity.

[Scarlett Harlot @heericks89]

Dear @signalapp, please come back.. We miss you! @xcavs31x have been forced to.. text!.. each other.. We just cannot communicate like this!