All the meat not fit to cook

Part-time friend. Let it out before it grows teeth.

[kitty pavlova @kitty_pavlova]

guys who work in office jobs from home: i need like 10000g of protein or i will literally die

guy who actually does manual labor: did yuo know seven elever has a deal where two taquitos free if you get monster energy drink

[Oneohtrix Point sometimes :/ @jobscantfindme]

BREAKING: grimace is dead

[Jake Flores 🇵🇸🇲🇽 @feraljokes]

I keep telling regulars I'm quitting and they're like "why?"

The level to which people don't understand that a service worker is not actually your friend is crazy

No you're right I actually enjoy being cornered and forced into the same conversation for my entire waking life

[Tony Sekiguccimane🐛 @illPhysics]

What the fuck does anyone’s gender identity have to do w/ my day when McDonald’s breakfast is $15, we’re all working 60+ hrs for shit wages & no benefits til we die & “genius” CEOs are idolized while Scrooge McFuck penny pinching us so they can take a jet for a morning McGriddle

[u m a m i @u_m_a_m_i]

Apple! Hath the Zuccrafice proved naught but vain? Hast thou gained naught from his sage instruction?

[All the meat not fit to cook @helloafrocar]

If you’re watching one of those sped-up music TikToks in public, repeatedly increasing the volume each time it restarts, I should be able to legally take your phone from you like you’re a child that picked up something dangerous.

[Gigguk @GiggukAZ]

Being in your 30s is having some mild discomfort somewhere in your body, thinking to yourself "I should get that checked out."

Then you never do.

[Michael Swaim went to bsky @SWAIM_CORP]

Relative to what I expected from it as a child, so far my life is completely on the rails. It's just that they're the rails from the trolley problem.

[✨Omar Najam✨ 🖤🤍💜 @OmarNajam]

You're seriously telling me to my face as if it's something to be proud of that your *entire* childhood was defined by a book series that went "there are four schools in school: brave, bad, school, other"

[Austin Schaeffer @SchaefferAustin]

Being an adult is not being able to play a video game cause it feels like you're wasting time but having seemingly no issue scrolling twitter or watching short youtube videos all day

[🇨🇦𖤐 Father Red McGee 𖤐 🇨🇦 @FatherRedMcgee]

Single Use Fireplace

[Mike's Hard Remoulade @condiricenbeans]

Interviewer: so what do you see yourself accomplishing in the next 5 years?

Me: I really want to kill one of those Boston Dynamics robots

[Mayor of Silent Hill @MayorSilent]

Other cities might have cute coffee shops or incredible museums but does your city have a Hole That Goes On Forever?

Yeah that's what I thought