Pavlove03

Locked away in permanent slumber, living on music & true crime. Never judge & pay it forward
KBO!

[Pavlove03 @hellomollydear]

I've been where u are and trust me, your going to be fine

[Pavlove03 @hellomollydear]

Please just leave me alone & let me sleep

[Pavlove03 @hellomollydear]

I have an eating disorder ok, I can't eat, I don't want to eat, I physically can not food in my mouth. Your endless nagging isn't going to change it

[Pavlove03 @hellomollydear]

If anyone else tells me "you must eat something" or "you're so dizzy because you won't eat" I'm going to actually scream at them

[Pavlove03 @hellomollydear]

Sitting here staring at the single slice of toast I have each day & it suddenly washes over me again, I'm done. I want my life over

[Pavlove03 @hellomollydear]

@lynnew69 Thank you xx

[Pavlove03 @hellomollydear]

I'm lying to everyone.
"Are u ok?" "I'm fine"
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"No need I'm fine" the biggest lie we all tell

[Pavlove03 @hellomollydear]

I have to save someone else first. One last time

[Pavlove03 @hellomollydear]

I had a plan, i just have to do two more things then I can stop.

[Pavlove03 @hellomollydear]

I honestly don't know how I'm going to do all this. I know I can't cope but I have to cope because no one else is going to come & help

[Pavlove03 @hellomollydear]

Then you get the look. There's a two second gap of silence where you can it on her face. The "oh sweet Jesus" eyebrow raise, the slight "that explains it" head tilt, then the "oh that poor girl" lip down turn

[Pavlove03 @hellomollydear]

I told her with respect, I'm sure they do a great job but can they go back in time & stop my mother giving me to a pedophile when I was 12?

[Pavlove03 @hellomollydear]

The Dr told me she was amazed by how I was holding all together by myself. She wanted to know why after dealing with these MH issue for 19 years I don't have a case worker?

[Pavlove03 @hellomollydear]

I don't know how to accept either. Once again death presents itself as the best opinion

[Pavlove03 @hellomollydear]

Either the diet & excessive exercise isn't working or I'm not meant to be thin

[Pavlove03 @hellomollydear]

Two years & 4 months of a starvation diet, of exercising until I drop. And you know what? It hasn't changed anything. My clothes from two years ago still fit perfectly. I'm still built like a brick shit house. I'm still fat.

[Pavlove03 @hellomollydear]

I've been starving myself for 2 years & 4 months, I know what or rather WHO triggered this off & yes I know the exact date

[Pavlove03 @hellomollydear]

I keep seeing an image in my mind. It's just a brain, a perfectly shaped brain with a bullet resting on the top of it. It haunts me

[Pavlove03 @hellomollydear]

You think it's gone, you think your shoulders are a bit lighter then BOOM there it is.
"I could walk in front of that lorry it would be over in seconds"
"I could take all my monthly meds in one go, no one would find me"

[Pavlove03 @hellomollydear]

The feeling of wanting to die never completely goes, it sits in the back of my mind waiting to pounce on me

[Pavlove03 @hellomollydear]

When I ask for help the silence is deafening