was doing my makeup in his bed and he walked over to me wearing a tie with teeth on it, grabbed my makeup bag and started applying makeup and glitter to his face and I had an out of body experience watching myself get hornier than I’ve ever been in my whole life
*me sticking my head in the oven that is off now but just had a pizza in it*: man, Sylvia Plath had the right idea
roommate: who?
me, head still in oven: Sylvia Plath
roommate: who the fuck is that?
Just got off the phone with a buddy and when I said bye he said “don’t kill yourself” and I said “thanks, you neither” and he said “well I actually have something to live for” and hung up , ok bYyeee!