my chungus life

[goddammitbrian @goddammitbrain]

a guy i know was sat in bed with his laptop and lightning struck him and blew his cock straight off . makes ya think

[Nic ⭐️ @nchls_b]

“If all your friends jump off a cliff would you do it too” if they did it without me I’d actually be really upset, like how did you plan this? Is there a group chat without me? I could have brought snack for the experience or something idk

[jovan @ehjovan]

vaping in the waymo cuz what he gon say

[my chungus life @heydter]

@RepJackKimble Writing a book about Jesus but also living by one of the seven deadly sins🤣

“For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.”

[slothy @slothy_420]

i move around every few seconds just in case there’s a sniper on me

[Mike 📺 @michaelcollado]

Opening Twitter is like having a lil phone cigarette

[angel :) @ministryofluvvv]

what’s this I’m hearing about a handjob virus?

[Softboy @softboywin]

white people be like i have to pick up my dog’s Invisalign

[Smitty Werbenjagermanjenson @MarTheMortal]

……

[⚚Sage @belikesagee]

Me pretending this is my first time hearing the tea because I can't expose my source

[IdentityTheftTheMetro @MaacTheft]

When your girl asks if you're excited for the farmer's market after staying up to 2 am losing your paycheck on Iowa State -2.5.

[Arslan @thega1nz]

ICE agents when I forget to take my belt off thru the body scanner

[GiGi @geneverwhat]

Why can’t they just have a violent bachelorette

[Jhay @jhayusb]

omw to get the worm early asf

[Future Moldovan Citizen Fan @CommonSentiment]

Took my (frigid) wife to see Wuthering Heights tonight. Car ride to the theater she put on the Hamilton soundtrack and scrolled through Pinterest the entire time ignoring me. I think I chipped a tooth from clenching my teeth.
Walk into the theater lobby and it’s a sea of screaming black teenagers and obese guatemalan women babbling into speakerphone. I buy her some garbage to eat and we go into the theater. Before we sit down she accidentally (?) spills her extra large diet Dr. Pepper on my seat, but the theater is full so I just sit in it. My ass is immediately soaked but I don’t care I just don’t want to move my body anymore I just don’t want my body to function.
The guatemalan women are in the theater and they and my wife are all staring at their phones, giving the room a sickly, ambient glow that makes my eyes water and my stomach turn.
The movie starts and I mentally check out, thinking of the chubby teenage girl at the concession counter and how thrilling it would be to kidnap her. I let my mind drift away but my wife snaps me out of this fantasy by hacking loudly trying to get a stuck popcorn kernel out of her throat. The guatemalan women sense distress and start nervously gibbering in their gutterspeak. I excuse myself to the bathroom but instead sneak into some kind of cartoon called Goat.
I sit in the back and sob softly until a black teenager notices me and screams “ayo dis gay nigga crine!” and the rest of them start jeering and screaming at me so I rush out. I lock eyes with the chubby teenage girl in the lobby and she looks sad and I imagine she’d be okay with me kidnapping her but I just go back and sit next to my wife in the giant puddle of diet Dr. Pepper.
The movie finishes. We leave. Wife immediately puts Hamilton soundtrack back on and scrolls Pinterest. We won’t be discussing the film.
No, we won’t be discussing anything.
Am I Heathcliff?
Am I myself?
Am I a person?
Am I sure I can keep doing this for one second longer?
Tomorrow is Friday, but in reality, everyday is Monday.

[*sienna @siennamaxxing]

it's the ending of weapons im crying

[W.E.B. DaBoi @Tyre_94]

I got so much shit going on I don’t even care

[ponyboy @ponyboooooy]

this couture tweet

[Hadas Weiss @weiss_hadas]

your secret is safe with me unless it’s funny