Crouching Toddler

Working, blogging, single mum; navigating the murky waters of solo-parenting a small tornado and his pet donkey, relying on gin, strong coffee, and black humour

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

Me: What are you doing?

7-year-old: Counting the presents under the tree.

Me: There aren't any presents under the tree.

7: I know.

Passive aggressive level 9000.

[Crouching Toddler @HiddenParent]

Parenting involves fishing a lot more dead snails out of my washing machine filter than I imagined. #motherhood #soblessed #WhyMummyDrinks

[Crouching Toddler @HiddenParent]

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present my mother: the reason I learned to cook (age 7). #fail #cantcookwontcook #bitofanexperiment #childhood #motherhood #mumlife

[Crouching Toddler @HiddenParent]

90% of working from home is just shouting obscenities at my printer. #amwriting #technofear

[Crouching Toddler @HiddenParent]

#ThingsOnlyAttenboroughCanFind - the car keys I JUST HAD in my hand.

[Muuuuuuuuum @Anothermoanymum]

The man who fixed my car forgot to reconnect my sensors so I had to go back for the third time. He apologised to my husband. #weneedfeminism

[Crouching Toddler @HiddenParent]

#ThingsOnlyAttenboroughCanFind - Theresa May's "magic money tree". #NHS #Brexit #Tories

[Crouching Toddler @HiddenParent]

#ThingsOnlyAttenboroughCanFind - the GOOD kitchen scissors.

[Crouching Toddler @HiddenParent]

#ThingsOnlyAttenboroughCanFind - the special trolley coin to use at Lidl.

[Crouching Toddler @HiddenParent]

#ThingsOnlyAttenboroughCanFind - the biro in the bottom of a changing bag.

[Crouching Toddler @HiddenParent]

#ThingsOnlyAttenboroughCanFind - £350mil a week for the NHS. #Brexit

[Crouching Toddler @HiddenParent]

#ThingsOnlyAttenboroughCanFind - @Nigel_Farage 's dignity.

[Crouching Toddler @HiddenParent]

#ThingsOnlyAttenboroughCanFind - my son's left sock. #mumpost

[Crouching Toddler @HiddenParent]

Inspired by the latest #BBCBluePlanet and a friend's epic reaction, I'm starting #ThingsOnlyAttenboroughCanFind

[Crouching Toddler @HiddenParent]

Adulting: just rented a secure field to play with doggo on. Y'know - the kinda field I could own if I didn't spend all my money on my dog.

[Crouching Toddler @HiddenParent]

@OrdinarySoapbox Love! My stepdad used to tell us things like "if the bridges fall down, Wales will float away". Sister believed him for SEVEN YEARS.

[Crouching Toddler @HiddenParent]

Reasons I'm going to hell, no.9872: convinced 3yo that dragon fruit is an egg laid by a real dragon. #mumlife

[Crouching Toddler @HiddenParent]

Just spent three hours out for dinner with friends.
5yo: we can't go to bed! What about dinner?!
#reasonsmummydrinkswine #mumlife

[Crouching Toddler @HiddenParent]

@FoodieV @BritishBakeOff How can we organise our #GBBOfinal party under these conditions?! :')

[Crouching Toddler @HiddenParent]

'"Oh bloody hell, all of my canvas shopping bags are in the other car" and 999 other middle class problems." #verybritishproblems