Highfiveexpert

[Highfiveexpert @highfiveexpert]

It’s go time

[Highfiveexpert @highfiveexpert]

Hope he likes oatmeal raisin

[Highfiveexpert @highfiveexpert]

Great acoustics

[Highfiveexpert @highfiveexpert]

There’s only 6,480,000 seconds left in 2020

[bottlerocket @bottlerocket]

“Wow I didn’t recognize you because of that mask! Sorry I didn’t say hello sooner” -someone that definitely saw and tried to avoid you

[Highfiveexpert @highfiveexpert]

I have abs. Abs-olutely zero definition.

[Highfiveexpert @highfiveexpert]

The worst jelly for PB&J is petroleum. Change my mind.

[Highfiveexpert @highfiveexpert]

Not a hotdog to be found

[Highfiveexpert @highfiveexpert]

Remember when Apple was a stupid name? That was fun.

[Highfiveexpert @highfiveexpert]

I was just getting comfortable

[Highfiveexpert @highfiveexpert]

The bartender at this happy hour sucks. No I won’t go get it myself, dear

[Highfiveexpert @highfiveexpert]

If I learned one thing from this quarantine, it’s how NOT to wear an eyebrow ring

[Highfiveexpert @highfiveexpert]

I’m dying

[kim @KimmyMonte]

this dog literally failed every single test thrown at him to become a service dog and i am scream laughing. but imho he’s still a very very good boy.

[Highfiveexpert @highfiveexpert]

Politics are ruff

[Highfiveexpert @highfiveexpert]

Things I talk to my barber about:

- The weather
- What days he’s in
- How many kids I have
- My sideburns
- What time they close
- How busy he was today

And after those 30 seconds, 20 minutes of silence.

[Highfiveexpert @highfiveexpert]

Life hack: Can’t get your dog to eat? Spill the bowl on the floor. Food’s gone in 30 seconds.

[Highfiveexpert @highfiveexpert]

Whatever I say after “don’t get me wrong” is a lie.

[Highfiveexpert @highfiveexpert]

Me: I ran the dishwasher.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: Would it kill you to-
Her: Thank you so much!
Me: No big deal.

[Highfiveexpert @highfiveexpert]

Me: It’s not that good, but to be fair, I have a sophisticated palate.

*adds salt

Me: HOLY SHIT!!!!

[Highfiveexpert @highfiveexpert]

My honor roll student just put a paper plate in the dishwasher. Where’s that bumper sticker?