Matt Hoffman

UVA 2021. Eagles, Penguins, Sixers, Orioles

[Matt Hoffman @hoffmanmatt99]

A friend just said to me “I don’t know anything about football. But I know the Cowboys suck”.
I imagine this is how parents feel watching their kid take his first steps

[James Heim @IgotAbohmer]

@MattBrownEP At any point in the game you can attempt a 40 yd field goal to win, but if you miss the kicker is killed

[Matt Hoffman @hoffmanmatt99]

17-0 is impossible so long as the state of Tennessee exists

[Matt Hoffman @hoffmanmatt99]

@Eagles

[Matt Hoffman @hoffmanmatt99]

Predicting the Eagles offseason:
1. We decide to keep Sirianni
2. We decide to keep Patullo
3. I am mysteriously found dead outside of the Linc on June 24th at 6:38 PM

[Matt Hoffman @hoffmanmatt99]

BREAKING: Kevin Patullo has been sentenced to 16 years in Siberia’s Vorkuta labor camp #Eagles

[Matt Hoffman @hoffmanmatt99]

If next September rolls around and Sirianni is still coach, Patullo is still OC, and Jurgens is still a starter, I am turning off my TV, moving to the Balkans, and starting a nation-state that will ultimately trigger a third World War.

Go Birds 🦅

[Matt Hoffman @hoffmanmatt99]

Best case scenario for the Eagles is that Cam Jurgens’ beef jerky company takes off and he never steps foot on the field again

[Matt Hoffman @hoffmanmatt99]

Kevin Patullo stole my catalytic converter in Point Pleasant, WV on November 8th, 2015 @NFL

[Matt Hoffman @hoffmanmatt99]

Pop Tarts Bowl > both of the Eagles’ Super Bowls combined

[Matt Hoffman @hoffmanmatt99]

I’ve never seen a team so committed to running out of 12 and 13 personnel while simultaneously having 0 TEs on the roster capable of blocking #Eagles

[Matt Hoffman @hoffmanmatt99]

Kevin Alan Patullo #Eagles

[Matt Hoffman @hoffmanmatt99]

Gonna start scheduling a Kevin Patullo tweet for every Sunday at 1:07 PM to save myself the trouble

[Matt Hoffman @hoffmanmatt99]

The only explanation for playing Brett Toth every week is that Stoutland wants Patullo fired too

[Matt Hoffman @hoffmanmatt99]

Keep running it behind Toth I’m sure it’ll work eventually!

[Matt Hoffman @hoffmanmatt99]

Something something Kevin Patullo. Don’t have the willpower to think of anything to say this week

[Matt Hoffman @hoffmanmatt99]

I will pay 90% income tax this year if Kevin Patullo gets deported to Tajikistan

[Matt Hoffman @hoffmanmatt99]

Brian Johnson’s offense made me want to eat nails. But I’d trade all of our draft picks this year to have him back

[Matt Hoffman @hoffmanmatt99]

I will buy Kevin Patullo a house in any city of his choice if he agrees to retire at halftime

[Matt Hoffman @hoffmanmatt99]

I will be institutionalized if I have to watch 17 games of the Kevin Patullo Experience

[Matt Hoffman @hoffmanmatt99]

Don’t be surprised when Jalen Carter gets a 1 game suspension