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All people are created equal. All. People. Except for Tony Romo, because he is *the shit*. Also, tomatoes are poison. Film at 11.

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I haven’t wanted to entertain a ‘pinned tweet’ because I live in the eternally optimistic world where I will say something better, something more intelligent, something funnier today than I did yesterday.

But, until that comes to pass, I’ll just leave this right here.

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@waltshaub Same reason I dodged tests in High School- afraid of the results

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I had to take a pallet of toilet paper out to the floor at work today

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@thor_benson Speak for yourself. My cervix has never felt better

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@heyyguido Beautiful

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@evanrachelwood This is the gif that comes up for “knowing”. So, just copy this and you’re gold, right?

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@CharlesPPierce Yes, please. I’ll take two.

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@GSarafan I heard this, a few days ago and I think it answers the question quite well. If you asked someone to get you a sandwich and they came back with a hot dog, would you be ok with that?

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@kayleighmcenany Ok then, next question: These million tests that have been delivered, they were delivered to who?? Russia?

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@travisakers Well, I don’t know about y’all, but my cervix feels better already

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@CatStaggs Hollywood is helping out by putting out basically nothing in the theaters right now....But, I can’t wait for this. Oooh, and Black Widow, too...

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@GOPLeader Ooooh, who you going to blame this on, the “dirty japs”?

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@RedTRaccoon And now his teammate, Donovan Mitchell, has tested positive

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@JoyAnnReid So, another round of tax cuts and a border wall for the cure, huh

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@HoarseWisperer @coleyworld Have to hand it to Democrats- messaging can be a mess, they don’t rally around talking points like the GOP, but when it comes to hoaxes, damn do they pull out all the stops or what? I mean, daaaamn.

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@JohnFugelsang So, did you slap his arm and sat, “Wazzzah mattah fo’ you??”

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@KevinMKruse Pretty sure it’s the orange slime that acts as a force field

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@travisakers Thanks, Lamar! We’re all suuuper clear on the steps we need to take in November.

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@ellen_perleberg At my gym I noticed a sign in the locker room stating that phones aren’t allowed, no pictures, etc., and at the very bottom

*Please remember to put your clothes back on before leaving the locker room.

This is where we need Paul Harvey with ‘the rest of the story..’

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@MollyJongFast Pretty sure the patient died

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@JakeSherman Yeah, good luck with that. I’m going to seek guidance from this lamppost. We’ll see which of us is rewarded first