hood pilgrim

[Tired @_crustbag_]

Repeatedly mentioning how I’m not even ticklish during a job interview

[wife-ally @dudeimnormal]

if your mom was nice to you as a child you legally have to help people

[Ethel Caincel @sick_of_condos]

It's once again Attack And Hurt Your Coworkers Monday

[alexSSN @alexSSN]

Hey man, that’s really awesome that you saved some of your 4th of July fireworks so you could set them off at noon on the 13th of July

[Charlie James @malecowgirl]

not sure if i had THE diarrhea or a separate, more niche diarrhea that only artists get

[defleppardfan94 @lemonade_grrrl]

whenever someone is nice to me i feel like they're doing it in the way you would be nice to a make a wish kid. is this normal

[🖕🙂🖕 @c4nnsaw]

I always thought the pink panther solved mysteries or some shit but he's just this gay dude who bothers people

[Adam Rankin @rankintweets]

Every 3 years a new water bottle brand completely oneshots middle class white women like clockwork

[︎︎ s @saeioura]

i could never be a gambler i just spent money on pastries that weren’t even that good and my chest started to hurt

[Ricky Hollywood @victim_burn77]

Setting up an elaborate set of home alone traps for the paramedics on their way to narcan me

[clay ⛷️ @hanfjob]

Maybe this is a stupid question but where is the speaker for the microwave beep located

[gnocchii☤ @rukittenm3e]

1. I am a genius
2. There is not a single thing I don’t excel at
3. Cigarettes will never hurt me
4. I know what you did
5. I don’t experience withdrawal
6. I want to go swimming