Tom Yates

I'm an incredibly dull but largely misunderstood author and political biographer with a penchant for grey shirts and doorways. And hashtag #hashtags.

[Tom Yates @houseofcardstom]

The reality is, people who start sentences with 'the reality is' usually follow it up with a sentence beginning with "ultimately, " Ultimately, those people lack originality and they don't even know it. #HouseOfCards

[Tom Yates @houseofcardstom]

And I was like, "But Claire, why did you ask me to move back in to the White House if you're just going to mock me in front of our guests?" Our guests just laughed at me when I said this. #houseofcards #houseofcards5

[Tom Yates @houseofcardstom]

The plan was for me to go to the World Economic Forum in Davos this week for high level talks with world leaders, but the Swiss embassy rejected my visa application. "Yeah maybe not, Tom. Try re-applying next year." was the official explanation. #houseofcards

[Tom Yates @houseofcardstom]

So three weeks back in the White House, I can categorically state that I should have stayed on in the AirBnB. I mean the White House is cool and all, but the $40 weekly cleaning fee in the AirBnb was an absolute bargain. Plus the dishwasher was one of the mini ones. #houseofcards

[Tom Yates @houseofcardstom]

Frank, Claire and I sat down last night to "Netflix & chill". We tried to find some sort of gripping political drama about a ruthless, power-hungry couple and their live-in biographer. No joy. 😕 #houseofcards

[Tom Yates @houseofcardstom]

There is a rumour going around that most of my tweets are written by White House staffers. Fake News! It's not MOST; all of the needy, lame, approval-seeking ones I write myself. #houseofcards #houseofcards5

[Tom Yates @houseofcardstom]

I've taken advantage of the recent shutdown to get to know Mark Usher a little better. Despite how suave he looks in a blazer, Mark tells me that secretly, he's quite insecure and says he models his style on mine. "Tom, you are a blazer badass" were his exact words. #houseodcards

[Tom Yates @houseofcardstom]

Ultimately, my performance in the White House will be judged not on my ability to concisely express myself in 280 characters or less, but on how effective I was at making Claire see me as more than just a doorway-dwelling parasite. #houseofcards

[Tom Yates @houseofcardstom]

I love these Sunday afternoon road trips with Frank and Claire. We stop somewhere for a bite to eat, take a walk, sometimes have an ice cream if it's sunny. Only problem: I'm not on the road trip with them; they never invite me. #houseofcards

[Tom Yates @houseofcardstom]

I was out drinking tonight with Frank and Meechum (my best friends), but they've just dissappeared on me and are not answering my calls. Uber isn't even answering my calls. I'm drunk and lonely. And I forgot my key for the White House, so it' a hostel again for me. #houseofcards

[Tom Yates @houseofcardstom]

The White House housekeeping staff said they're delighted to have me back. "Tom you make our jobs easier; you wear the same dull grey shirt every day for weeks; it means less washing for us", said Brandine. I help save the planet AND I bring joy to people's lives. #houseofcards

[Tom Yates @houseofcardstom]

"Tom are you going to stand there tweeting all day?", Claire said to me this morning. I'm dissapointed she asked this; she should know me well enough by now to know that I AM going to stand here tweeting all day. It doesn't mean she doesn't love me though. #HouseOfCards

[Tom Yates @houseofcardstom]

Stamper is hinting at a fivesome with me, Cathy Durant, and the Underwoods. Good on him. He's in for a treat with Cathy; she likes to lead. #houseofcards

[Tom Yates @houseofcardstom]

If we moved to a merit-based immigration system and I were a foreigner, which of my skills do you think would qualify me? #talented #polymath #renaissanceman #gifted #houseofcards

[Tom Yates @houseofcardstom]

Word on the street is that Tom Hammerschmidt has his sights set on the White House. He needs to know that if you want to be a Tom around here, you need to be incredibly dull and useless. I'm not sure Hammerschmidt has what it takes, to be honest. #houseofcards

[Tom Yates @houseofcardstom]

@Neener86 I'm more of a Xylitol man myself, Nancy. But thanks for the timely reminder re: Claire. That was a close call; it's important that she approve of my choice of sweetener.

[Tom Yates @houseofcardstom]

I'm going to use a merit-based lottery to decide which sweetener gets to make it into my coffee tomorrow morning. #topical #controversial #houseofcards

[Tom Yates @houseofcardstom]

Reason I cancelled my trip to London is that I don't like Expedia. Wanted to charge me $1.2 billion for flights and 3 nights in a hotel called 'Peanuts' - NO! #houseofcards

[Tom Yates @houseofcardstom]

So I'm back in the White House, having promised Frank and Claire that I would not tweet about them, that I wouldn't even mention their names in tweets. I know, I know: I have misunderstood the whole point of the promise. I can't do EVERYTHING right. I'm not PERFECT. #houseofcards

[Tom Yates @houseofcardstom]

When you reach the sort of popularity levels I've reached - 20 followers - it makes you sit back, take stock, and realise what are the truly important things in life: Twitter, tweeting, getting the 21st follower, making Claire love me, that sort of thing. #houseofcards