quiet sex machine

stuck in laplace space

[quiet sex machine @humantripodd]

EXCLUSIVE: they were right about J names

[quiet sex machine @humantripodd]

Lifestyle creep is real

[quiet sex machine @humantripodd]

My bus driver just got out and took a smoke break

[quiet sex machine @humantripodd]

Happy pride month to all the lions out there

[quiet sex machine @humantripodd]

How come every time I turn on my TV there’s people playing something similar to foosball but like if the players came alive

[quiet sex machine @humantripodd]

My Least Favorite Things:
1. Fighting With My Dad About His Drinking & Driving
2. Fighting With My Dad About The Barbie Movie
3. Fighting With My Dad About Religion

[quiet sex machine @humantripodd]

Round 3 but this time they put international women’s day on the shortest day of the year 😔

[quiet sex machine @humantripodd]

Round 2 but this time not even the calendar acknowledged it 😔

[quiet sex machine @humantripodd]

It’s 8:04 and I’m already wearing someone’s lunch. This day didn’t even get a chance.

[quiet sex machine @humantripodd]

I DID IT. I RAN OUT OF SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER AT THE EXACT SAME TIME.

[quiet sex machine @humantripodd]

New hobby: lactating

[quiet sex machine @humantripodd]

What if I die before ever being someone’s airport crush

[quiet sex machine @humantripodd]

Source: Garfield instagram post I saw 4 years ago

[quiet sex machine @humantripodd]

Oh so sex and gender are the same thing? That’s funny… I don’t recall having gender with your mom last night…

[quiet sex machine @humantripodd]

Are you allowed to say you’re not photogenic if the reason you look bad in photos is that you’re just plain ugly

[quiet sex machine @humantripodd]

My favorite part of clubbing is the part where you get home and eat mac and cheese

[quiet sex machine @humantripodd]

You and your significant other cannot truly be on even ground unless you’ve both seen each other’s buttholes. I’m so sick of this “he’s seen mine but I haven’t seen his” bullshit.

[quiet sex machine @humantripodd]

My sister just got a “Merry Christmas” from Gavin Newsom

[quiet sex machine @humantripodd]

What do you do when you find out that you and your mom have the same favorite vibrator

[quiet sex machine @humantripodd]

Happy holidays everyone 🫶

[creampie lover @tyrantlardking]

They call me mistletoe cuz I’m hung where u can see

[quiet sex machine @humantripodd]

I have more flexibility in my two thumbs than in the entire rest of my body

[quiet sex machine @humantripodd]

What do you do when neither parent is hearing anything you say at the dinner table cause they’re both on their phones