One Liners

Do you like funny one liners? Well..we got them. Buy the book:

[One Liners @humurous1liners]

When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room and I used to clean his. We were maid for each other

[One Liners @humurous1liners]

Judge: “I order you to pay $1000”

Mario: “But-a why?”

Judge: “It’s a fine”

Mario: “No it’s-a not”

[One Liners @humurous1liners]

Trump: “I want to see Biden in jail!!”

Biden: “Why does Trump think I’ll visit him in jail?”

[One Liners @humurous1liners]

What do you call a magician that lost his magic? Ian

[One Liners @humurous1liners]

What do you call a Mexican in quicksand? Sinko de Mayo

[One Liners @humurous1liners]

If you see an Apple store getting robbed, that makes you an iWitness

[One Liners @humurous1liners]

I run a weekly Plastic Surgery Anonymous meeting. I’m always disappointed when I see new faces each week

[One Liners @humurous1liners]

What kind of flower likes to kiss people? Two lips

[One Liners @humurous1liners]

What happened to the politician who had diarrhea during the debate? He was still in the running

[One Liners @humurous1liners]

What is the difference between an Indian and an African elephant? One of them is an elephant

[One Liners @humurous1liners]

I went to a friend’s house and he said “make yourself at home” so I threw him out. I hate having people over

[One Liners @humurous1liners]

Mr Peanut and the Energizer Bunny were arrested for beating up a bunch of other mascots. They were charged with a salt and battery

[One Liners @humurous1liners]

What drugs to ducks do? Quack cocaine.

How do they pay for it? In bills

[One Liners @humurous1liners]

What’s the problem with 9/11 jokes? They never land?

[One Liners @humurous1liners]

What’s the definition of trust? Two cannibals 69ing each other

[One Liners @humurous1liners]

My girlfriend asked me who my favorite vampire was...

I told her it was the dude from Sesame Street

She said, "He doesn't count."

I said, "Oh I assure you, he does.

[One Liners @humurous1liners]

What is a white nationalist’s favorite porn site? Only Klans

[One Liners @humurous1liners]

I told my psychologist I have an irrational fear of living in tall buildings with multiple residential occupants.

She said “hmm, that sounds like an apartment complex”

[One Liners @humurous1liners]

Andrew Tate was arrested in Romania after a pizza box showed he was in the country. Police arrested him within 30 minutes. Any longer they would have had to given him a free garlic bread

[One Liners @humurous1liners]

I met a woman at a bar and asked to take her home. She said “Sorry I’m on my menstrual cycle.” I said “that’s ok, we can go home in my Hyundai.”