I narrate Douchebags

please do not address the narrator directly, it causes a jarring experience for the audience. breaking the fourth wall is a punishable offense.

[I narrate Douchebags @i_narrate]

@buzyizzy21 @S_Catsgotmyback @possiblynotgod The heat rising in her face as she feverishly typed her reply, knowing that despite being caged and abused the animals she loved were treated better in the UK than in other countries, failing to see she loved commodities, not animals. She loved things, not beings.

[I narrate Douchebags @i_narrate]

She typed enthused with her own cleverness. She had come into contact with trace amounts of canola earlier, which made her forget how stale the joke has become, and rendered her unable to do math. Thankfully, no additional animals were eaten that day.

[Recovering Vegan @VeganRecovering]

Me eating twice as much meat so a vegan out there isn't making a difference. 🤣

[I narrate Douchebags @i_narrate]

@joshy_q @livstor3r He swiftly typed, this was his moment. Years of being unwanted and neglected made him callous and angry, to the point he only felt joy, he only felt alive, when he tore down women on the internet. He was sad and alone but he had his moment.

[I narrate Douchebags @i_narrate]

@carlblomgren @AnitaM86 @BibleBashed Carl snarled at his screen, typing feverishly. He pondered how they didn't understand that in 2023, he still viewed women as property. He was going to defend his blatant and criminal misogyny till the very end, he paid for his checkmark and he damn well was going to tweet

[I narrate Douchebags @i_narrate]

@MikeGallagher17 @Denielle425 Mike typed condescendingly. He was trying to neg the lady, as he had learned to do in his afternoon PUA class for the elderly. Little did Mike know misogyny and infantilizing women no longer works in a post boomer era, and he was just coming off as an insecure child of 70 years.

[I narrate Douchebags @i_narrate]

@TaylorGrimesDog @Jin_Sane Furiously he clattered his keyboard, full of self-righteous indignation. Cows milk was all he has ever known, and the only alternative to it was almond swill. "I could never deprive myself of this rich healthy protein" he thought as the casein destroyed his prostate.

[I narrate Douchebags @i_narrate]

@BarryCCampbell @sumvegan The blue light of his computer screen illuminated his face as his greasy finger clacked against the keys hurriedly. "These words, plus this picture surely will show how clever I am" he thought to himself as his arteries tightened.

[tara strong @tarastrong]

My heart shatters over #yulin dog meat festival pics.Can’t fathom y it’s permitted,but I also don’t understand y more folks aren’t outraged about the cruelty of factory farming in our country & around the world.I wish everyone would open their eyes & help end torture of innocence

[Seth Rogen @Sethrogen]

Happy 40th birthday McLovin. (We wrote this joke when we were 14 years old)

[kts @ifarmcarnists]

people like @JoeyCarbstrong are NOT defenders of animals, when your livelihood depends on profiting off veganism — ending animal exploitation is a clear conflict of interest. and anyone whose financial livelihood depends on exploitation is never on the side of those exploited.

[I narrate Douchebags @i_narrate]

Who needs narrating?

[I narrate Douchebags @i_narrate]

@yankinwales @EcoGof @sean_Stilson It was in twelfth year, he decided no more will he appeal to peace, it was in his twelfth year he chose violence. He needed heme iron in order to feel like a man, no longer would plants satiate his hunger, he lusted for blood.

[I narrate Douchebags @i_narrate]

@RoninSwanson @BannedTofuWiz @VeganForLifeNZ He typed defensively, it's not that there is a problem with his actions, it's the people calling out his actions.
"Just because I support rape and murder once a month, doesn't mean I support rape and murder" he thought.

[I narrate Douchebags @i_narrate]

@RoninSwanson @Vej_Gee He typed swiftly, it was easier to say he held contradictory beliefs than actively work to align his morals with his actions. He accepted preventable tragedies as casualties of his akrasia.

[ya favorite🧚🏾‍♀️ @bbyjjae]

Y’all... THEY FUCKING HUNG MY COUSIN FROM A ROPE DOWN THE STREET FROM PALMDALE CITY HALL AND NOBODY SEEN OR HEARD ANYTHING. TRYNNA SAY IT WAS A SUICIDE HOWWWWW?!?!!!!!???? Make it make sense!!! PLEASE SOMEBODY ANYBODY DONT LET THIS STORY GET SWEPT UNDER THE RUG!!!

[I narrate Douchebags @i_narrate]

@sidchopra85 @SilkenWizard He tweeted, with a false sense of superiority. His lack of understanding in worlds economic climate didnt matter. "These women know nothing of economics, or socioclasses" he thought, not realizing perhaps they may have been extremely educated on the topic.

[I narrate Douchebags @i_narrate]

@holyfirewater @TheVeganGrind Opportunity missed

[I narrate Douchebags @i_narrate]

@fabuladeum @TheVeganGrind @mariemamiii @rougecanvas @xParadox1Gx He struggled to tweet, the lack of glucose in his diet making cognitive ability and short term memory almost non existant. The grease sweating through his pours, as he thought "how can these athletes get protein from plants they must be lying".

[I narrate Douchebags @i_narrate]

He typed furiously, he didn't rape anyone he coerced, persuaded, and pressured them into sex, in his mind he wasn't a rapist he was a charmer

[I narrate Douchebags @i_narrate]

@zach0y @Randylaheyi @inedibleTom Naw man you did great!