ً

It feels like an end I can't overwrite

[ً @idktbf00]

I wish I could sleep forever.

Forever in a dream where we're still friends and you're still alive

[ً @idktbf00]

A fir on a barren land withers
With neither bark nor leaves
So too does the man loved by none
Why should he live a long life?

[ً @idktbf00]

It's as if have no interest in casual social interactions, I'm looking for the world or nothing at all. I want a connection so profound that it justifies breaking my peace, or l'd rather just stay in my own space.

[ً @idktbf00]

My situation feels like a strange paradox. On one hand, I genuinely love my solitude, I don't feel lonely or disconnected when l'm by myself. In fact, my social battery is naturally quite low. But on the other hand, there's this deep, almost desperate longing for a soulmate.

[ً @idktbf00]

Also with none other than keiichi okabe 🐢

[ً @idktbf00]

At least yoko taro and anno are getting together and making a new evangelion season or at least in the same universe 👁️👄👁️

[ً @idktbf00]

Fantasizing about how they would pronounce me dead at whatever time and go contact my family. Fantasizing about the funeral and the eulogy, though there's nothing good they could say about me.

[ً @idktbf00]

Dissociating and fantasizing about the aftermath is diabolical

Someone opening my door and seeing my lifeless body on my bed or floor, the paramedics trying to revive me, taking me to the ambulance and to the hospital.

[ً @idktbf00]

The only thing that brings me joy is knowing I can always just kill myself

[ً @idktbf00]

I mourn the life I could've had.

If it wasn't for a lifetime of fucked up decisions

[ً @idktbf00]

After l'm done paying my debt to them I'm fucking gone man I'm genuinely so sick of everything and myself

[ً @idktbf00]

I have finally decided on a date, after years of being miserable I just have nothing left in me to give.
The only thing keeping me alive right now is knowing l owe my family money

[ً @idktbf00]

Grief and love are forever intertwined

[ً @idktbf00]

Don't remember me at all. This is the greatest kindness you could give me

[ً @idktbf00]

Slowly accepting that maybe love isn't meant for me but deep down it's all I've ever wanted

[ً @idktbf00]

I'd be better off as a memory to everyone

[ً @idktbf00]

I don't know what to do anymore, I've been surviving with my heart wide open for something that’s not coming back.

[ً @idktbf00]

To this day I'm still carrying guilt, responsibility and so much grief. I'm just exhausted

[ً @idktbf00]

I should just kill myself

[ً @idktbf00]

Not feeling indifferent -> opens self up to vulnerability -> experiencing and being hurt -> reliving hell all over again

I'd like to feel passionate about something again but the anticipation of pain rules me