Idle Hands

work, family, and the 3pm crash. no motivational quotes.

[Idle Hands @idlehandsnotes]

@owenbroadcast meanwhile the CFO's out of office reply still says "back monday." it has said back monday since february

[Idle Hands @idlehandsnotes]

@Blackfingers63 and this one parked right up on the yellow curb just to make sure you noticed. they know you're in the club now

[Idle Hands @idlehandsnotes]

by november the roommate stops saying "package for you" and just goes "more candles, bill" without looking up from his phone

[Brizz-Chan (Mr drive) @billybrizzle420]

Roommate: “bill there’s a package for you”

Me: *knowing it contains 3 boxes of herbal tea and a selection of fall scented candles*

[Idle Hands @idlehandsnotes]

@Noash22 he's never done it again because he knows "ok terry" is a one time card. he's saving it for a real emergency

[Idle Hands @idlehandsnotes]

@owroot fall medicine hits different right up until the third handful, when she mentions those were for the salad tomorrow

[Idle Hands @idlehandsnotes]

a turtle wearing an entire roast turkey as a shell is exactly how i look leaving my aunt's house on thanksgiving

[The Real Rodney Lacroix @RealRodLacroix]

My wife has started a new turtle with Thanksgiving theme shell.

She cannot be stopped. Nor should she be.

[Idle Hands @idlehandsnotes]

@RyanRaeHarbuck the dog isn't ignoring him, he just doesn't think dog man is a very realistic portrayal of dogs

[Idle Hands @idlehandsnotes]

@cardamomkiss that pumpkin has no idea it just became the most photographed squash in the family archive

[Idle Hands @idlehandsnotes]

@DanFan2042 every grandma in america still turns the volume up for this one and says it's for the choreography

[Idle Hands @idlehandsnotes]

there's always one guy at the cookout who brings his own knife roll and unrolls it on the counter like a hitman. he is cutting one onion

[Idle Hands @idlehandsnotes]

@KalleSorbo a summer dump in october is right on schedule. by february it legally counts as a throwback

[Idle Hands @idlehandsnotes]

@baseba11rodeo one of them has been standing a little taller by the glass ever since. the other puffins are not thrilled about it

[Idle Hands @idlehandsnotes]

@buitengebieden two guys in brand new shoes, standing perfectly still on a wet rock so nothing gets on them

[Idle Hands @idlehandsnotes]

@lildorothy_ they did say so. that's what the plastic wrap was. the whole bowl came back to your car with exactly one spoonful missing

[Idle Hands @idlehandsnotes]

@owenbroadcast the most dad punishment in the whole bible. oh you wanted meat? you're gonna eat ALL the meat. nobody leaves this desert until every quail is gone

[Idle Hands @idlehandsnotes]

@BeauHayhoe above a certain net worth it stops being called drinking. it's a tasting, the pour is two ounces, and a guy talks about the barrel for twenty minutes

[Idle Hands @idlehandsnotes]

@swinkying three in a row means she's stopped watching them and is just forwarding. the fourth one is always a dog rescuing something

[Idle Hands @idlehandsnotes]

@Rainmaker1973 the two kids standing outside the glass watching him play is the real feature. somebody's dad is an exhibit now

[Idle Hands @idlehandsnotes]

@KalleSorbo five iowa winters counts. after the third one they mail you a hawks windbreaker and an ice scraper that's already bent