chat you can literally get a free skin for watching @jynxzi’s League tournament
🤫Look Inward emote for 30 minutes watched
🥷Inkshadow Master Yi skin and champion for 2 hours watched
I realised its not laziness or procrastination, when you reach a certain state of depression you get so detached from reality and you don't wish to participate in anything in life, you just want to sleep and wake up and actually not speak to anyone.
how do you tell someone “i’m not ignoring you i’m just disconnected from reality right now and the days are all blurred together and i feel completely apathetic towards everyone/everything around me so it’s really hard for me to maintain a conversation” without saying that
blankness is depression too. Sometimes it’s the purest form of it.
Sadness at least has shape. Tears at least mean something is moving. Blank is worse in this quiet, insulting way because you can’t even point to a feeling and say, that’s the problem. You just wake up and it’s like someone turned the saturation down on your whole brain.
You’re sitting there at 11:06, phone in your hand, screen glowing, and you can see notifications piling up like laundry. A text you should answer. An email. A meme. A friend checking in. And you stare at it with this dead calm. Not “I’m too sad.” More like “I can’t reach the part of me that cares.” Your thumb doesn’t move. Your mind doesn’t move. It’s like your thoughts are behind thick glass and you’re knocking and nothing knocks back.
People don’t talk about that version because it’s not cinematic.
It doesn’t look like crying on the bathroom floor. It looks like you standing in the kitchen at 14:37 with the fridge open, cold air on your legs, and your brain refusing to choose between two basic foods. Not because you’re indecisive. Because your brain can’t generate desire. You close the fridge. You open it again five minutes later like maybe something will change.
Nothing changes.
This is the twilight zone part. The in-between. You’re not actively suffering in a way that gets attention. You’re just not really there. Your body is present. Your personality is on mute. Your emotions are in airplane mode. The world happens at you and you don’t react like a normal human.
Someone could tell you good news and you’d go “nice” in the right tone, like you’re reading a script. Someone could tell you something upsetting and you’d feel a mild “oh” and then nothing. The emptiness is not dramatic. It’s clinical. It’s a room with the lights on and no furniture.
And it makes you feel guilty, which is the cruel extra layer.
Because you start thinking, I should be grateful. I have a life. I have people. I have opportunities. Why am I like this. Why can’t I just respond. Why can’t I care. You judge yourself for not being able to access interest, as if interest is something you can force with willpower.
blankness is usually your brain protecting itself.
Not in a heroic way. In a last-resort way.
If your nervous system has been running too hot for too long, or if you’ve been holding too much, or if you’ve been under stress you don’t even name as stress anymore, sometimes the system does the only thing it can do to keep you functioning.
shuts off the parts that feel.
Not because you’re lazy. Not because you’re broken. Because feeling everything would be too expensive right now.
you get fog. You get “I can’t think.” You get the feeling that your mind is a browser with 40 tabs open but none of them will load. You sit down to do something and your brain slides off it like a wet bar of soap. You try to watch a show and you don’t follow the plot. You try to scroll and even the dopamine doesn’t hit. You just keep moving your thumb like a bored animal.
And the emptiness has this weird physical quality to it. People don’t mention that either.
It’s heavy, but hollow. It’s fatigue without sleepiness. It’s your limbs feeling slightly farther away than usual. It’s your eyes looking at things without taking them in. It’s time passing in chunks and you don’t remember what filled them. At 19:22 you realize it’s evening and you can’t explain where the day went. You were awake. You were around. You just weren’t present.
Here’s the sentence that usually sits underneath all of this, the one that feels almost shameful to admit:
“I’m not sad, I’m just not alive.”
That’s what blank feels like. You’re not emotionally in pain the way people expect. You’re emotionally absent. Like your inner self stepped outside for air and forgot to come back.
The reason these days are hard is because they steal your agency. You can’t “push through” when there’s nothing pushing.
everyone’s gonna abandon me once they realize how fucked up and ruined i am and they’ll hate me as much as i hate me. i will fix this by ghosting and avoiding and isolating and pushing them away and leaving first so no one can do that
- super normal and well adjusted person