R$

[R$ @illejitimate]

Jason, you're talking about politics

[R$ @illejitimate]

@JasonMillerinDC who tf says "shot their wad"??? Like what

[R$ @illejitimate]

"shot their wad" - @JasonMillerinDC when speaking tonight about one of the Carolinas

[R$ @illejitimate]

I don’t really NEED to spend $13 on a burrito made out of sushi and fried in tempura flakes but you know what honey? A b*tch might

[R$ @illejitimate]

Everyone with LED headlights is an asshole ..there I said it

[R$ @illejitimate]

If you have LED headlights get the fuck off my ass guy I have an astigmatism

[R$ @illejitimate]

@JustinLaboy can't have mediocre dick AND give me an attitude when I want to be with bigger and better things

[R$ @illejitimate]

*Mom spills broccoli slaw all over her chest* "I didn't know my mouth was that long"

[R$ @illejitimate]

My mom says the darnest things ...

[R$ @illejitimate]

"I think they're putting Covid in the chemtrails"

[R$ @illejitimate]

We both looked at eachother like 🤯

[R$ @illejitimate]

One time I was having a sleepover and I was trying to be really quiet brushing my teeth so instead of banging the toothbrush on the side of the sink like a barbarian, I bent the toothbrush to try and flick the excess water in the sink and I broke my toothbrush in half.

[R$ @illejitimate]

My friend didn't see all that go through my head though. What they saw was me finish brushing my teeth and just break my toothbrush in half and throw it away... Smh I think about that often.

[R$ @illejitimate]

¿¿¿¿¿HOW MANY TIMES DO I GOTTA KICK PEOPLE OUT MY LIFE FOR I LEARN TO LEAVE EM LEFT?????

[R$ @illejitimate]

Look how thin their ring is, that's definitely a woman

[R$ @illejitimate]

2 year old in a car seat "no I can't take a nap without stairs"
- wait why do you need stairs ?
2yo "my bed is upstairs"

[R$ @illejitimate]

Tired of seeing 😜 on grown men's Tinder profile

[R$ @illejitimate]

When your date sends you this 🤣🤣

[R$ @illejitimate]

I mean there's probably already a million tweets about this but why can't people stand 6 feet away from eachother? like deadass I should not have to tell a grown person to back up off me in a grocery store

[R$ @illejitimate]

You ever think about how many people out there dumber than you ? Imagine being smarter.. the numbers only go up

[R$ @illejitimate]

That moment when you're in a setting where you can TELL that you're the smartest person in the place <