Average Human Bean

The random musings of a marginally funny person; she/her

[Average Human Bean @im_humanbean]

@dumpstrfiremom Can't talk, doing hot girl shit (recovery)

[Average Human Bean @im_humanbean]

I'm very clever but not like usefully intelligent clever but was a pain in the ass as a child clever

[Average Human Bean @im_humanbean]

I had no idea that having a degree in math would invite so many emails with the subtext "would you like to use your skills to exploit vulnerable members of the public for the financial gain or a multinational corporation? Click below to see how!"

[meredith 🍉 @dietz_meredith]

criminalize the bmi chart

[trash jones @jzux]

the killers me every night
at like 10pm

🤝

i’m going to bed and my stomach is sick

[Robert Schultz @_RobertSchultz]

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

[Average Human Bean @im_humanbean]

How coding in a doctor's office because of anorexia symptoms feels:

Crash nurse: sweetie, are you diabetic?
Me: no, I'm anorexic
Crash nurse: oh, yes, of course
Crash nurse's paperwork:
underlying health conditions: PATIENT IS CRAZY

[Average Human Bean @im_humanbean]

Wearing my lesbian uniform to Lowes so old white man #778 doesn't ask me where my daddy is

[Average Human Bean @im_humanbean]

My baby sister is concerned about literacy rates in upper and middle class america in 1912. That's the whole tweet

[Average Human Bean @im_humanbean]

I will never be more powerful than when, at 17, my then boyfriend asked to kiss me (I hadn't let him yet) and I told him to get out of my car and go home

[Average Human Bean @im_humanbean]

I've seen a lot of thriller/horror movies and mostly, I've learned that the only scary things most people can think of are poverty and mental illness

[Average Human Bean @im_humanbean]

I know that a bronze metal is third place but consider that it is the most aesthetically pleasing of the color choices

[Average Human Bean @im_humanbean]

All your media about how you can be a good, happy, accomplished, and/or fulfilled person DESPITE being fat is not the body positivity you think it is

[Average Human Bean @im_humanbean]

New product! Flatters all thin shapes and small sizes! Comes in a range of colors to match all white skin tones! Get yours today!

[Average Human Bean @im_humanbean]

I have no other problems in my life except that I don't like mixing black and brown but I like to wear black and my hair is brown so I'm sure you can see my dilemma

[Average Human Bean @im_humanbean]

My new favorite genre of incrediably niche joke is miscommunication regarding ACT (American college testing) and ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy)

[Average Human Bean @im_humanbean]

Shaded earth tends to be cool, be that holes, formations, underground areas, etc

Unplugging electronics while they're not in use can keep unnecessary heat out of your home

Remember that water expands when freezing to prevent blowouts and messes

[Average Human Bean @im_humanbean]

Texan here! Have some learning about surviving extreme heat and humidity. 🧵
1st and foremost, this is just my personal experience
BE PREPARED
KNOW THE SIGNS OF HEAT EXHAUSTION/STROKE
KNOW WHEN MEDICAL ATTENTION IS NECESSARY

https://t.co/BLIx0KbcAS

[Average Human Bean @im_humanbean]

OTHER TIPS
concrete traps and reflects heat so avoid spending time in large swaths of it in the sun like parking lots

Remember that the sun moves throughout the day so the same spot may not always be shaded