Imagine

I’m kinda a small deal. BK double cheeseburger, fries and an apple pie pls

[Imagine @imagimeemee]

Remember when we cried as kids and our parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about.”

We thought they were going to hit us but instead they destroyed the housing market, quadrupled college tuition, and melted the ice caps

[Imagine @imagimeemee]

What if Santa has ADHD and in the original job description it actually says “Get everyone gifts before Christmas”

[Imagine @imagimeemee]

I’m opening a food truck that sells fried chicken sandwiches and waffle fries. Park near a Chick-Fil-A, but we’re only open on Sundays. Calling it Side Chick

[Imagine @imagimeemee]

First image from the James Webb telescope!

[Imagine @imagimeemee]

Only a woman who’s delivered a baby without an epidural shot can truly understand the pain a man goes through when he has a cold

[Imagine @imagimeemee]

We’re about $1 away from people calling in to work “out of gas”

[Imagine @imagimeemee]

If you last 2 minutes doggy style that’s technically 14 minutes

[Imagine @imagimeemee]

Covid: You can go places now

Gas prices: The fuck you are

[Imagine @imagimeemee]

*Breaking News*
Putin has agreed to talks with Ukrainian’s Zelensky according to several reputable sources. However subsequently and for logistical reasons, Putin cancelled due to the fact Russia simply had no conference room large enough to house Zelensky’s ginormous balls

[Imagine @imagimeemee]

90s babies living through Y2K, 9/11, a
plague, two economic recessions, and possible WW3 before they hit 30.

[Imagine @imagimeemee]

Sex before marriage is a sin unless you do it doggy style because all dogs go to heaven. Follow me for more biblical hacks

[Imagine @imagimeemee]

Happy Valentines to all those who are taken, almost taken, taken for granted, waiting to be taken, assumed to be taken, and those who aren’t taken seriously

[Imagine @imagimeemee]

Can we please normalize sending kids to trade school after high school without making them feel like they’re less than 4 year university kids.

[Imagine @imagimeemee]

People who work in customer service should be allowed to fight one customer per day

[Imagine @imagimeemee]

Sometimes I think about our ancestors who literally hunted and fought wild animals for food are probably watching me from above have a panic attack while calling to order pizza

[Imagine @imagimeemee]

I hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need and I have to go home, take off my pajamas, and shower so I can go to Target

[Imagine @imagimeemee]

Just remember, you can’t make everyone happy
You’re not a taco

[Imagine @imagimeemee]

Please keep your dogs and children quite in the mornings. Some of us have been up all night setting off fireworks. Thanks.

[Imagine @imagimeemee]

It’s like my dad always said,
what the hell is wrong with you

[Imagine @imagimeemee]

Cryptocurrency? No thanks, I have Kohl’s cash

[Imagine @imagimeemee]

Imagine COVID happening in 2005 instead of now. Stuck inside with MySpace, no smart phones, and Blockbuster employees would have been essential