The Individual Contributor

Official Account for The Individual Contributor. We write sharp, satirical takes on the everyday absurdities of corporate life (IG: the_individualcontributor)

[The Individual Contributor @indycontributor]

@PicturesFoIder Before reading the community notes I admit I was fooled until she threw the box and flew like an empty box. Well done!

[The Individual Contributor @indycontributor]

“I Just Want to See My Team Cook”: Inside the Management Style of a Shady SaaS Leader #lethimcook https://t.co/6jZ7bPdr8r

[The Individual Contributor @indycontributor]

SVP Tired of 'Tiger Team,' Proposes Entire Corporate Zoo https://t.co/Z1NGOXr7PA

[The Individual Contributor @indycontributor]

Efficiency Expert increases household follow-through by 37% after requiring all members of her house to "confirm receipt" of tasks: https://t.co/LRDS2Ljihu

[The Individual Contributor @indycontributor]

Undercover Report Reveals Hiring Manager Filters Candidates Based on ‘Seinfeld’ vs. ‘Friends’ Allegiance https://t.co/LuDa59smCv

[The Individual Contributor @indycontributor]

Marketing Lead Motivates Team by Constantly Referencing Yard Lines, Leaves Everyone Confused #nfl #football #Motivation https://t.co/Q8NIHsPD6z

[The Individual Contributor @indycontributor]

*Walking out of dentist's office*

Brain: "don't say it"
Brain: "don't say it"
Brain: "don't say it"
...
Receptionist: "Hi, how was your visit today?"
Me: "Good. What's the damage?"

Brain: "well.. you tried"

[The Individual Contributor @indycontributor]

'VP of Communications Hosts Meeting to Discuss Naming Convention of all Future Meetings'

Is this a sync and sip? Or a fireside chat?

https://t.co/yz8fM5KQnD

[The Individual Contributor @indycontributor]

"Can you drive the kids to Noah’s birthday party on Saturday?"

"I would, but I’ve got a blocker."

"What’s the blocker?"

"Golf with Eric. The kids will have to wait until at least the next sprint to be prioritized for social outings."

[The Individual Contributor @indycontributor]

The Delay Email: My Secret to Dodging Work While Looking Productive #lifehack #corporatelife https://t.co/j81i1S4Vms

[The Individual Contributor @indycontributor]

*Married Couple at Home*

"The laundry machine is not draining. When are you going to fix it?"

"Did you submit a ticket?"

[The Individual Contributor @indycontributor]

Worker Considers Having Children Just to Escape More Meetings #lifehacks #corporateamerica https://t.co/BydqQznX0y

[The Individual Contributor @indycontributor]

*Two coworkers, Ben and Jared, are walking out of the office after a long meeting*

Ben: Man, that pitch wasn’t half bad. I think we’ve got something here. Let’s flush it out tomorrow.

Jared: Flesh.

Ben: Yeah, that’s what I said. Let’s flush it out.

Jared: No, it’s flesh it out.

Ben: Why would we flesh it out? That sounds horrifying. Like adding skin to it. I don’t want to give the pitch skin.

Jared: Because that’s the expression. You flesh something out—like, give it substance.

Ben: Right, and flushing it out gets rid of the bad stuff. We’re refining. We’re cleaning the pipes.

Jared: Are you thinking of plumbing or brainstorming?

Ben: Both, honestly. Brainstorming is mental plumbing. You gotta flush before the good ideas come through.

Jared: You’re not making it better.

Ben: So wait—if we’re not flushing it out, and we’re fleshing it out, does that mean we’re building some kind of idea Frankenstein?

Jared: In a way, yes.

Ben: Cool. So tomorrow we’re gonna meet in the lab and flesh out our monster.

Jared: Please don’t say it like that again.

Ben: What time do you want to stitch on the legs?

Jared: …I’m calling in sick.

[The Individual Contributor @indycontributor]

*first date*
"I'm an open book. What would you like to know?"
"What's your current personal ARR?"

[The Individual Contributor @indycontributor]

Still trying to dial in the meaning of #shadowchurn

[The Individual Contributor @indycontributor]

*11:59pm on her birthday, at a party*

"Honey I know we're almost at time so I want to know how you enjoyed your birthday"

"What do you mean 'at time'?"

*12*

"Sorry I have to hop to another party can we sync tomorrow morning on this?"

[The Individual Contributor @indycontributor]

"We were just meeting for one drink, but now we're bar-hopping, someone's cousin is joining, and we're apparently going to a karaoke place."

"Sounds like scope creep."

[The Individual Contributor @indycontributor]

"This house is filthy. Make sure to vacuum and put the clean the kitchen"

"Ok"

"I shouldn't have to remind you of this home's OKRs.."

[The Individual Contributor @indycontributor]

"Folks we got a lot of work to do. We're on on the 1 yard line of this project."

"Doesn't that mean we're close to completion?"

"Our own 1 yard line......"

[The Individual Contributor @indycontributor]

"How can I get more matches on @hinge ?"

"Not sure let me connect you with my hinge SME"