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All tweets take place in a hypothetical parallel universe. Cannot be used against me.

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@LeBatardShow #TheWire

https://t.co/XK5vyhpHmo

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@BangRadioHour @editti22 This is Funky 4 Erasure....

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@ClueHeywood Vargas was on the team with Greinke... So... You know where he got it from.

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@NASCARSanDiego I'm hoping he can let go of the flag after putting all that gel in his hair.... Holy shit...

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@calebevans88 That fucking gelled hair....

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@UNCGBasketball @UNCG @uncgspartans @SoConSports Are we on fresh jersey watch?

Let's do good coach! #LetsGoG!

(Class of 2012)

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@Tyler_Polumbus Why you heff to be mad? Is just game?

(Come the fuck on, you were a pro athlete... This isn't trash talk it's talking down)

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@ClueHeywood I think it's 1 hour or they draw your blood...

Wait, that's a DUI....

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Flex and a half

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How much 1942 do you have to sell to get one of these?

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How much fucking 1942 do you have to sell to get one of these?

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@ScottiePippen You changed your stance on tipping yet?

-Conway resident circa 2003

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@ClueHeywood (Substitute any other player with a difficult last name in a sport that they like)

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@ClueHeywood I'm very impressed that Republicans can pronounce Giannis Antetokounmpo, yet can't pronounce "Kamala"

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@BangRadioHour I'm just REALLY lazy and Twitter(at the time) suggested this avatar...

Never changed it. Not "purposefully never changed it". Let's get that clear.

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@TailgateTed When I was sitting in front of an 8 year old kid who had a sign that said 12>21...

Fuck that dad for encouraging his kid to think that sports are more important than a human life.

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@TailgateTed 2008* ... 2007 season...

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@BangRadioHour Lawrence Phillips 2.0... Or something...

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@ryenarussillo BRB, going to start scalping Hidden Valley seasoning packets at TSA Checkpoints at DFW.

They will gladly Zelle $5 to relive their World Cup experience, Ray.

If you build it, they will come, Ray....