Expert Tweeter™

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[Expert Tweeter™ @it_all_dot_exe]

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This is a test of the Emergency Bitching System.

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This system will be used to communicate to the general public if something has inconvenienced me or if I’m just in a generally sour mood.

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This has been a test of the Emergency Bitching System.

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[Expert Tweeter™ @it_all_dot_exe]

dogshit takes from start to finish

[Fox News @FoxNews]

Rainn Wilson says "The Office" probably wouldn’t be made today, telling Fox News Digital that media trends have shifted left and that cancel culture makes it difficult for edgy comedies to thrive.

[Expert Tweeter™ @it_all_dot_exe]

got a flat tire while driving drunk now I’m like a 4.0 student the way I’m relying on five A’s

[Expert Tweeter™ @it_all_dot_exe]

finally outsmarted whoever has been shitting my pants

[Expert Tweeter™ @it_all_dot_exe]

If someone figures out how to use the bathroom without getting completely naked they’d be a millionaire I think

[Expert Tweeter™ @it_all_dot_exe]

I think you should A/B test shutting the fuck up

[Expert Tweeter™ @it_all_dot_exe]

sometimes you just don’t have 20 minutes between your colon and your asshole to spare

[Expert Tweeter™ @it_all_dot_exe]

FOR SALE: Adult Baby Diaper. Never worn.

[Expert Tweeter™ @it_all_dot_exe]

when someone tells me I did a good job

[Suzee Q @SusieM414141]

I honestly don't know what's going on here. I just know it's not good.

[Expert Tweeter™ @it_all_dot_exe]

they should invent a pair of pants that are more difficult to shit in

[Rep. Jack Kimble @RepJackKimble]

Please avoid jumping to conclusions about the detainees shot at the ICE detention facility in Dallas until the FBI has had time to investigate the crime scene and construct a hypothetical text chain between the shooter and his roommate

[Expert Tweeter™ @it_all_dot_exe]

eatin’ her ass like it’s my favorite dessert, call that a peach gobbler

[Expert Tweeter™ @it_all_dot_exe]

shit so fat they call me Lincoln the way I’m dropping logs

[Expert Tweeter™ @it_all_dot_exe]

no babe, it’s okay. it would actually be super weird if that part of your body that you’re insecure about looked normal

[Expert Tweeter™ @it_all_dot_exe]

if you do end up killing yourself, make sure to do it in front of your landlord

[Expert Tweeter™ @it_all_dot_exe]

doing what I want is a compromise, meeting in the middle is a sacrifice, and doing what you want is communism

[Expert Tweeter™ @it_all_dot_exe]

The US government be like

[Diesel Duck @swoleasduck]

Hope you had fun spending your own money. Now it’s my turn

[Expert Tweeter™ @it_all_dot_exe]

i didn’t die soon enough i guess

[Expert Tweeter™ @it_all_dot_exe]

you either die a sillymaxxer or live long enough to become serious

[Expert Tweeter™ @it_all_dot_exe]

i actually used to be so funny wtf happened

[Expert Tweeter™ @it_all_dot_exe]

@dnugg8816 @gabbgoudy you should have stayed a myth

[Expert Tweeter™ @it_all_dot_exe]

sometimes I want to reply to scam texts with the most unhinged bullshit