Ben Healey

Aspiring Comedian. Perspiring person.

[Ben Healey @itsBenHealey]

You expect life to just give you lemons?! Pft millennials

[Ben Healey @itsBenHealey]

Just found out RIP stands for "rest in peace" and not "really impressive person". I apologize to anyone I unintentionally mislead.

[Ben Healey @itsBenHealey]

If I won the lottery I wouldn't quit my job. But I would say that I am willing to quit over every small issue that comes up. Till the day they call my bluff.

"So why did Ben quit?"
"We asked him to update his emergency contact info"

[Ben Healey @itsBenHealey]

@madison_healey If you spend your entire 20s in a library studying, it does wonders for the skin.

[Ben Healey @itsBenHealey]

My resolution is to get better at punctuation?

[Ben Healey @itsBenHealey]

"A Christmas carol" is the last time someone described a dream they had and it was interesting.

[Ben Healey @itsBenHealey]

Google messenger just reminded me to respond to a message I got three days ago and the suggested message was 'yes'

Like, you're not helping.

[Ben Healey @itsBenHealey]

In the Incredibles they should have just let Dash play golf, wrestling, power lifting, darts, or bowling.

[Ben Healey @itsBenHealey]

Criminal "how do I know you aren't wearing a wire?"
Marinette: *starts sweating*

[Ben Healey @itsBenHealey]

Might as well publish all the tweets that have been sitting in my drafts.

[Ben Healey @itsBenHealey]

I made a YouTube video about some experiments I did with casting metal (Roses metal) into 3D printed molds!

#3Dprinting
https://t.co/sjiE7MH1WS

[Ben Healey @itsBenHealey]

Guy who's day job is a bomb disposal tech but his side hustle is being a lighting grip on movie sets

"Defuse by day, diffuse by night."

[Ben Healey @itsBenHealey]

Be dependent on others? In this autonomy?!

[Ben Healey @itsBenHealey]

If you have a strategy for your mints you could call it a "Tic-Tac Tactic"

[Ben Healey @itsBenHealey]

You're familiar with encyclopedic knowledge? What I got is wikipedic knowledge. So I know a lot, but anyone can change my mind.

[Ben Healey @itsBenHealey]

@uglymanface @mmikemitchell All dogs are poor so this tracks.

[Ben Healey @itsBenHealey]

@uglymanface Jaws 6: Yelp!

[Ben Healey @itsBenHealey]

@uglymanface Jaws 4: TikTok summer

[Ben Healey @itsBenHealey]

No lower half,
No need for a belt.
Full mouth laugh,
Body made of felt.

Hands on little sticks,
What are they called?
The little sticks,
That control the hands?
That's going to bother me.
They are like little sticks that are used.
...
Puppet.

Arm Rods!

[Ben Healey @itsBenHealey]

@uglymanface @matthewsurina Voicemails: "Tom Holland"

[Ben Healey @itsBenHealey]

Has anyone ever pressed 5 to leave a callback number they can be reached at?