John Colbert

bow legged and flat footed. turned on yet?

[John Colbert @itsColbert]

Me to 2019 at 1 am last night:

“U up?”

[John Colbert @itsColbert]

The best part about being home for the holidays is the bird feeder drama.

[John Colbert @itsColbert]

I’m held together with coffee and sweatpants.

[John Colbert @itsColbert]

I’m at a point in my life where a fanny pack seems like a good idea.

[John Colbert @itsColbert]

“They’re cool” basically means “they laugh at my jokes.”

[John Colbert @itsColbert]

One of these days i’m gonna lift a cheek and push so hard on a fart i’m gonna die.

[John Colbert @itsColbert]

Any time I’m angry a car seat is involved.

[John Colbert @itsColbert]

People who swear in front of their kids are f*cking idiots

[John Colbert @itsColbert]

Having a birthday on 4/4 was fun until I did the math on how my parents spent their 4th of July.

[John Colbert @itsColbert]

Dieting is all about finding that balance. Like I just had a salad for lunch followed by 3 cookies. Later I’ll have just a bowl of bone broth followed by 9 IPAs. But that’s just what works for me and how I pull off looking awful naked.

[John Colbert @itsColbert]

First 5 mins of shoveling-

Snow: 1
Lower back: 0

[John Colbert @itsColbert]

My one and a half year old son just farted then laughed. My work here is done.

[John Colbert @itsColbert]

*credit card fails to auto fill at checkout page*

“I guess no ones getting anything this year”

[John Colbert @itsColbert]

“I mean I can’t judge them but”

*proceeds to judge*

[John Colbert @itsColbert]

You’re not officially a dad until you throw your back out while taking out the trash.

Today marks that day. I’d take a bow but I can’t.

[John Colbert @itsColbert]

Cocaine is cool but have you ever gotten into a freshly made bed like SECONDS after changing the sheets? Now that’s a rush.

[John Colbert @itsColbert]

It feels weird to drink because something good happened.

[John Colbert @itsColbert]

Comedy clubs might be closed but just did a tight 30....seconds at physical therapy. Come see my next show which will be 9 am Friday at Penn Medicine. $50 copay at the door, take elevator to Urology on 8.

[John Colbert @itsColbert]

@CNN The enemy of my enemy is my friend.

[John Colbert @itsColbert]

Who knew your greatest fantasy could be so mundane? #QuarantineLife https://t.co/3rkcydwEQV