julia, allegedly

2️⃣6️⃣9️⃣•MSU Grad💚•libtard til my lights go out 🏳️‍🌈✊🏻✊🏼✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿🏳️‍⚧️💉🍉🌎

[julia, allegedly @itsnotjulie]

I think ravens and crows would be more widely accepted as interesting instead of scary to ppl if they didn’t do that hop-hop-head tilt-stare directly through your soul thing

[julia, allegedly @itsnotjulie]

no trees no yard no personal space no personality, and shit quality

[Mason Home Builder @bankertobuilder]

These starter homes are only $575k

Anyone working a basic job making $160k a year can afford this

Why don't young people want to buy these?

[𝕭𝖊𝖓𝖓𝖎𝖊✨ @Bennieeexyz]

Jury duty letter came addressed to my cat.

Not a mistake. "Felix Martinez" - that's his full name according to his vet records.

My last name. His first name. Somehow he's a registered voter now.

Called the county clerk.

Me: My cat got summoned for jury duty.

Clerk: Is the name correct on the summons?

Me: Yes, but he's a cat.

Clerk: Is Felix Martinez a legal resident of this county?

Me: He's a legal cat.

Clerk: Sir, if the name matches our records, he needs to appear or file an exemption.

Me: He can't file anything. He has paws.

Clerk: You can file on his behalf.

Me: Under what exemption? There's no box for "is a cat."

Clerk: (pause) Check "unable to serve due to medical reasons."

Me: What's the medical reason?

Clerk: He's a cat.

Me: That's not a medical condition.

Clerk: It is if it prevents him from serving.

Sent in the form. Got rejected two weeks later.

"Insufficient documentation. Please provide medical professional's statement."

Took the letter to my vet.

Me: I need you to write that my cat can't do jury duty.

Vet: Why is your cat summoned for jury duty?

Me: Excellent question. No good answer.

Vet: This is the weirdest request I've gotten.

Me: Can you just write that he's medically unfit to serve?

Vet: On what grounds?

Me: He's a cat.

Vet: (started typing) "Patient is unable to serve due to species-related limitations including inability to speak, read, or comprehend legal proceedings."

Me: Perfect.

Sent it in. Got another rejection.

"Summons is mandatory. Failure to appear will result in contempt of court."

My roommate thought this was hilarious.

Roommate: Felix is going to jail.

Me: This is serious.

Roommate: Bring him to court. See what happens.

Decided that was actually the only option left.

Day of jury duty, put Felix in his carrier. Brought the entire paper trail of rejection letters.

Checked in at the courthouse.

Clerk: Name?

Me: Felix Martinez.

Clerk: (looked at the cat carrier) Is that Felix?

Me: Yes.

Clerk: (long stare) He's a cat.

Me: I've been saying that for six weeks.

Clerk: Why didn't you file an exemption?

Me: I filed three. All rejected.

Showed her the letters. She read through them, expression shifting from confusion to disbelief.

Clerk: Someone rejected the veterinary documentation?

Me: Twice.

Clerk: (called her supervisor over) You need to see this.

Supervisor read everything. Looked at Felix. Looked at me.

Supervisor: How did a cat get registered to vote?

Me: You tell me.

Supervisor: This is a data error.

Me: Took you six weeks to figure that out.

They dismissed Felix immediately. Apologized for the inconvenience.

Supervisor: We'll remove him from the voter registry.

Me: Appreciate it.

Supervisor: (pause) Out of curiosity, how would he have voted?

Me: Probably whatever party supports universal treats.

Got a formal apology letter a week later and a voter registration card.

For me this time. Apparently I wasn't registered, but my cat was.

Roommate: Felix committed voter fraud.

Me: Felix committed nothing. He's innocent.

Roommate: That's what they all say.

Felix is sleeping on the jury summons now.

Fitting end to his legal career.

[julia, allegedly @itsnotjulie]

@Favwontmiss Absolutely better at non lit. writing, but I’d consider myself a better editor than a writer. Neurodivergent + chronic illness for 14 yrs now.

[julia, allegedly @itsnotjulie]

@Favwontmiss sometimes even if it was spelled out for me, and therefore couldnt reeeally address or parse out those links at the depth they wanted to see. Got a bad mental block to the point that I didnt complete a single paper my last yr of college.

[julia, allegedly @itsnotjulie]

kids sports have gotten reeeally competitive but roids in elementary school is so funny 😂

[Rachel P @RachelP8om1]

Asked my dad to go to my daughter's sports day as I'm at work...

[Daddy @directordaddyy]

My short film, Supernigga, got rejected every major festival but got 400k views on YouTube organically in a month and had A24 and hella studios begging to make the feature. Moral of the story is there is no one path for all. I choose the internet over festivals.

[julia, allegedly @itsnotjulie]

@cinderellanvm @LDfc75 @desusnice yes 🥲 roughly speaking, the more east you go, the worse the holes are. some roads are truly obstacle courses.

[julia, allegedly @itsnotjulie]

fuckin imbecile lmao. the snakes need vaccines now

[Liam Nissan™ @theliamnissan]

Watch RFK Jr. get bit by a snake, it's hilarious

[julia, allegedly @itsnotjulie]

@camliekr lived there their whole lives? ofc white parents cant have a chinese kid, but yes..100% culturally chinese. whats the debate??

[ronnie • he/they 🍒🌸 @theronnaissance]

but people still wanna ask chatgpt to make a grocery list for them

[julia, allegedly @itsnotjulie]

@LDfc75 @cinderellanvm @desusnice Alaska and Maine could be higher bc they have higher rates of SAD and alcoholism --> more drunk driving.
As a Michigander my only theory is bc we cant afford our ins. rates to go up or the potholes keep us from speeding lmao smh

[Janel Comeau 🍁 @VeryBadLlama]

I just think it would be better for everyone if the people who make adhesive for maxi pads and the people who make adhesive for bookstore price stickers switched jobs

[CONSEQUENCE @consequence]

Less than 24 hours after The Late Show ended, Colbert resurfaced on Michigan public access program, where he reported the local news and was joined by surprise guests including Jack White, Steve Buscemi, Jeff Daniels, and Eminem.

"It's been an excruciating 23 hours without being on TV. So I am grateful to be able to be here on Monroe Community Media before they also get acquired by Paramount."

[manny @mannyfidel]

the wife of a deceased podcaster was unavailable to attend our event tonight. please join me in welcoming our backup option for this evening: the vice president of the united states of america

[freckxi ⋆˚࿔ @freckxi]

i’m sick she is so beautiful

[julia, allegedly @itsnotjulie]

I desperately want to play brass in a southern HS/HBCU pep band. I'm white af and only play sax but if I ever get the chance at some time machine do-over, you cant stop meee that shit gives me LIFE

[ley Ψ osheaga @cynicaltoyou]

stop engaging in ai fruit slop and instead embrace tradition.

[destiney bleu @destineybleu]

How is there money for ICE to run TSA, but not money for TSA to run TSA?

[julia, allegedly @itsnotjulie]

@WhiteHouse how do you fools feel about the lyrics of the song you chose