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Kids - there is no Santa. Those gifts were from your parents. Happy New Year from Wikileaks http://t.co/VM3ModyuUb

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http://t.co/6NIlYWJ4Cc When impersonating a coworker, I like to add a little extra dumb to their voice.

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http://t.co/ZP6xeEBDhU Ever since I ate that Dominos artisan style pizza I can't stop painting my bathroom.

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http://t.co/21upj7LBIA The Bible is subtitled "Shit My God Says".

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Some people are about as useful as the "r" in February. http://t.co/FyGjuditVk

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I bet when you go to hell they make you wear your hair like you did in 5th grade http://t.co/VRXaop7wjB

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http://t.co/qGfOuv1ka0 Sneezed. Nobody blessed me. Going to hell.

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Ceilings were just ambitious walls. http://t.co/fKLJJ2zIas

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http://t.co/kLUsCXON Show me on this lemon where life gave it to you.

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"Men, we need a durable lunch meat that can also be used as a hockey puck." - makers of Spam. http://t.co/AaFQ9jTM

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http://t.co/Cnsp2dro Thanks for the free womb & board, Mom! Happy Mother's Day.

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http://t.co/fu2785hE I just poured my coffee with my left hand so it would feel like someone else was doing it.

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http://t.co/qScSzXU5 Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.