Jack Handey

Deep Thoughts

[Jack Handey @jackhandey]

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone.

[Jack Handey @jackhandey]

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting.

[Jack Handey @jackhandey]

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not for our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

[Jack Handey @jackhandey]

If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it easy!

[Jack Handey @jackhandey]

I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes. Hey, better try the emergency brake.

[Jack Handey @jackhandey]

...fish with long blonde hair.

[Jack Handey @jackhandey]

People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jelly...

[Jack Handey @jackhandey]

You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in awhile. It's their way...

[Jack Handey @jackhandey]

Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.

[Jack Handey @jackhandey]

When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different.

[Jack Handey @jackhandey]

Before a mad scientist goes mad, there's probably a time when he's only partially mad. And this is when he's going to throw his best parties.

[Jack Handey @jackhandey]

One of the worst things you can do as an actor, I think, is to forget your lines, and then get so flustered you start stabbing the other actors.

[Jack Handey @jackhandey]

For me, the worst thing about having King Kong walk down your street is that kids could look up and see the giant genitalia.

[Jack Handey @jackhandey]

Instead of crucifying a guy on a cross, what about a windmill? That way you get the pain AND the dizziness.

[Jack Handey @jackhandey]

Many people don't realize that playing dead can help not only with bears, but also at important business meetings.

[Jack Handey @jackhandey]

Instead of mousetraps, what about baby traps? Not to harm the babies, but just to hold them down until they can be removed.