polar bear

I drive a Tacoma and that's about all you need to know about me.

[bean smoothie™ @beansm00thie]

seeing someone choking to death in a restaurant and telling the waiter I'll have what he's having

[chad @chasedbywasps]

I wouldn't know if the stripper loves me I've never been to a strip club. I mostly go to Jersey Mike's and Lowe's

[I eat short people @UnderwearStain]

Burped so hard into the drive through speaker at Mcdonalds that the force of it managed to set the staff member's headset on fire

[I eat short people @UnderwearStain]

Farted so hard in bed it blew a hole straight through my mattress

[E D. Awg @Emawnish]

Do not get a prostate exam from Home Depot

[I eat short people @UnderwearStain]

Farting into a ziploc bag and throwing it at my dad

[kelbin @pissboymcgee]

I could see myself peacefully exchanging my kids on the weekend with this woman

[BENZO-KAZOOIE @BENZOTOOIE]

Doing the “Oh no! I ordered a hotel room with two beds but there’s only one bed!!!” bit with my crush and then making her sleep on the floor.

[FIORE @drakebonergif]

i’ve started farting at work. i don’t even fucking care anymore.

[I eat short people @UnderwearStain]

Burped so hard every light bulb in my house exploded

[josh @joshypooper]

letting my burger sleep in my bed with me tonight

[very baller cash money normal sane person @normal_ballerz]

narcanning random corpses that are clearly actively decaying

[I eat short people @UnderwearStain]

Burped so hard that my uvula flew out my mouth like a bullet and killed a passing pedestrian

[faget83629031852 @faget9261530128]

my pet lobster escaped and bought a gun

[jifya8 @jifysn]

I tore my ACL while taking a Poop

[i think @kutaiuranium]

doing sex work to afford angry birds microtransactions

[faget83629031852 @faget9261530128]

i dislocated my ballsack

[Old Man Rattle @oldrattle_]

can you buy the battle pass with food stamps