Jamie

I’m in hell’s kitchen with an apron and a hair net

[Trey the Explainer @Trey_Explainer]

This has defined what true love is to me

[Reductress @Reductress]

Woman in Meeting Wishing She Were Lizard on Rock: https://t.co/lQ2HJKnyqk

[Jamie @jamhanse]

@ChicagoContrar1 @RossanaFor33 @MaryAnnAhernNBC would love a report on City of Chicago workers like this who disparage our police force while making nearly six figures from the city. Would love to vote them all out.

[Jamie @jamhanse]

Why did this swarm of 20-somethings appear on my otherwise-deserted patio? Like a plague descending upon Egypt.

[Jamie @jamhanse]

@Cubs @WatchMarquee @MLB @bethmowins @Taylor_McGregor @EliseMenaker Hi @cubs can we keep them permanently? JD can stay too. But this is a very solid broadcast and I didn’t even realize it’s women’s day until the third inning. Love their broadcasting style!

[Jamie @jamhanse]

Me: *in a great mood for the last two weeks*

My brain: “Hmmm, seems like a great night to have a confusing and upsetting dream about someone from your past…”

[Oscar the Grouch @OscarTheGrouch]

I saw my shadow this morning. Which means that I will still be grouchy for at least six more weeks. #GroundhogDay

[Jamie @jamhanse]

Me, watching the standing man who refused a seat and is continually falling on everyone because he won’t hold the bus handrails but has HIS GROCERY BAG SITTING ON THE BUS FLOOR.

[Jamie @jamhanse]

The best part about a day with cold, below zero temps is when I cook myself in the shower like a seafood boil.

[Midwest vs. The Rest @midwestern_ope]

If you can’t You don’t
handle me deserve me at
at my worst my other worst

[Jamie @jamhanse]

This morning’s rush hour CTA commute:

• Bus route option 1: “Next arrival in 20 mins”
• Bus route 2 (two blocks further): “No scheduled arrivals”
• Nearest L stop: no one on platform because a homeless man is shouting threats there

CTA IS A MESS @chicagomayor @JBPritzker

[Jamie @jamhanse]

After seeing a dating profile that said “I’m a communist witch!” I waved my finger at my phone like Dikembe Mutombo and said out loud “not in my house!”

[Washington State Dept. of Natural Resources @waDNR]

Please don't feed wildlife any of your giant sentient toaster pastry.

[Jamie @jamhanse]

My self care routine is listening to J.Lo’s “Let’s Get Loud” while swiping no to everyone I see on a dating app.

[Jamie @jamhanse]

I love focaccia bread. It’s perfect.

[Jamie @jamhanse]

My uber is playing only jingle bells (note: meaning the sound effect, not the song).

[Jamie @jamhanse]

Salivating like a dog that ate grass after opening this trash chute and gale force trash winds blew into my face. How/why?

[Jamie @jamhanse]

@tarahkraft SO boring, but also I’m so glad we did not spend $700M on one guy

[Jamie @jamhanse]

I ordered chicken enchiladas and got chicken parmesan, which is not an Atlantis Morisette lyric but my actual lunch experience.

[Jamie @jamhanse]

No, no, no, this ad is even worse than the manscaping ads what fresh hell is this