jamonthirteen

Are you laughing at me?

[jamonthirteen @jamonthirteen]

does anyone know where i can buy a baby walrus? I need one for my nephew's bday party this Sunday, so please let me know asap

[jamonthirteen @jamonthirteen]

@7eleven is it true that today there's a Nationwide problem with processing credit and 7eleven app transactions? I was just told this by a cashier at my local store; paid in cash.

[jamonthirteen @jamonthirteen]

"I will show them Central Intelligence again & again & again, & when their eyes begin to bleed and they beg me for mercy I will show them Central Intelligence 1,000 more times because I am GOD!!" - programming director at @tntdrama

[jamonthirteen @jamonthirteen]

@serenebabe I've been here quietly every now 'n again.

[jamonthirteen @jamonthirteen]

@TheThryll Pieces of his used toilet paper or wipes like the sports cards do with pieces of worn jerseys

[jamonthirteen @jamonthirteen]

How the fuck do you log out of this thing?

[jamonthirteen @jamonthirteen]

where is my stimulation check i need my stimulation

[jamonthirteen @jamonthirteen]

My Coronavirus Quarantine Preparedness Plan: One large tub of Jif® peanut butter. I figure the 30 servings should keep me alive for 30 days. Let's see, that's 2 tablespoons per serving at 30 times per day... Oh shit. That's 1 day.

[jamonthirteen @jamonthirteen]

@TheThryll You can use five NPR sustaining-member canvas tote bags.

[jamonthirteen @jamonthirteen]

I don't have a criminal record, but at any given moment I could be stopped & arrested for possession of trash with intent to litter.

[jamonthirteen @jamonthirteen]

Has anyone yet to tweet about how a silver-lining around the coronavirus scare is that its resulted in a noticeable reduction of Jehovah's Witnesses knocking on people's doors?

[jamonthirteen @jamonthirteen]

#HeyGoogle, remember I got diarrhea at the Red Robin in Paramus, NJ & my bathroom stall had no toilet paper.

[jamonthirteen @jamonthirteen]

Post Malone's face looks like my hairy butthole.

[jamonthirteen @jamonthirteen]

@oscar_morris Flat soda is the best!

[jamonthirteen @jamonthirteen]

@bradleyochoa Isopropyl

[jamonthirteen @jamonthirteen]

@Ani_Easton exactly

[jamonthirteen @jamonthirteen]

When I showed my boss a TMI photo of my BM, she immediately noticed something; then she called the authorities.

[jamonthirteen @jamonthirteen]

My ass sphincters to my bladder, "Hey, buddy, relaaax!"

[jamonthirteen @jamonthirteen]

"Hurry. the. fuck. up!" - my bladder as I'm fumbling with my keys while trying to get into my apartment.