Janine DeMaria

Lady writer. Pizza eater. MFA @NYUTischSchool, Rep: Rain Management Group - 2x Finalist: @ScreenCrafting TV Drama & Comedy Pilot Competitions

[Janine DeMaria @janinedemaria]

@1Sunbeam Oh. Right. Shit.

[Janine DeMaria @janinedemaria]

Someday I hope to be as blissfully unapologetic as Kathy Hilton. #RHOBH #kathyhilton #om #goldfacemask

[Janine DeMaria @janinedemaria]

@CEWellinger @FilmmaticNews @Coverfly !!!!!!

[Janine DeMaria @janinedemaria]

Watching my toddler is like chaperoning your drunk friend at the bar and all you wanna do is go home but drunk girl is already home and so are you #motherhood

[Janine DeMaria @janinedemaria]

Men’s Hurdles. Haven’t seen that many flying balls since juggling in 5th grade PE class. #OlympicGames

[Janine DeMaria @janinedemaria]

@eleanorjburgess So so sorry, Eleanor. Heartbreaking.

[Janine DeMaria @janinedemaria]

I’m cool with never hearing about any of the Duggars ever again.

[Janine DeMaria @janinedemaria]

I just looked in the mirror, like really looked and thought oh god, what happened to my face? Aging. Aging happened, lady.

[Janine DeMaria @janinedemaria]

@jimmyfallon My mom called farts barking spiders. I still don’t get it.

[Janine DeMaria @janinedemaria]

@itslizhannah Down to help out!

[Janine DeMaria @janinedemaria]

My mom just stuck out her skinny old lady witch finger, called me over and I leaned in because I swear she was about to tell me some top secret shit like who shot JFK. Instead I got “Almonds. Get as many as you can. There’s gonna be a shortage.” #parentsintown

[Janine DeMaria @janinedemaria]

Parents just arrived for a visit because they got vaccinated.
Mom: Lost some weight I see.
Me: Yeah. Covid and baby weight yikes.
Mom: Not you. I’m talking to the dog.
Dad in the background: Forgot my goddamn protein drinks.
Glad they’re here. 🙄
#vaccinatedparents

[Janine DeMaria @janinedemaria]

So in all those Renaissance paintings of women holding naked babies, why is there no evidence of shit and pee everywhere? Because that’s where it would be. Everywhere. #deepthoughts

[Janine DeMaria @janinedemaria]

My 5 month old passed out after downing an entire bottle, drool all over her face, one sock on, hair sticking straight up holding her toy is making me nostalgic for my twenties. #babiesarelittledrunkpeople

[Janine DeMaria @janinedemaria]

It’s so fun to know that we’re back to posting harmless, hilarious memes particularly of Bernie in my grandma’s mittens. I think we’re gonna be okay. #BidenHarris2020 #berniesmittens

[Janine DeMaria @janinedemaria]

@ohsensibleshoes Yep. I was at that dance. You’re 100% accurate.

[Janine DeMaria @janinedemaria]

This world. My god. On a lighter note, how’s everyone’s eyebrows doing?

[Janine DeMaria @janinedemaria]

So inspired by Hilaria that I promised my husband to speak in a Scottish accent in the a.m. then an Italian one at night. Now he feels like he’s married to a slightly imbalanced, exotic chick which just adds flavor to our quarantine life. #hilariabaldwin #cucumber

[Janine DeMaria @janinedemaria]

Hit a new low in my household. We’re reminiscing about parties we have and by “parties” I mean our karaoke nights attended by myself and my husband. That’s it. That’s the party.

Husband: Welp, this sake set was a huge hit.
Me: With yourself? Yes. Yes it was.

#karaoke #2020

[Janine DeMaria @janinedemaria]

I just devoured 8 macaroons so now I know what it’s like to win and lose simultaneously. #holidayfatass #fuckit #2020