Jared Coffey

Jared Coffey / Drummer / Golfer / Writer / Hack Comedian / Sarcasm Expert

[Jared Coffey @jaredcoffen]

Shopping at @WholeFoods is like saying, “I wanna pay more for groceries so that I don’t have to shop next to poor people.”

[Jared Coffey @jaredcoffen]

A sign of prosperity: I have started the process of throwing away all of my socks and underwear with holes in them. #success

[Jared Coffey @jaredcoffen]

@ivy_vix Don’t care for bg content. I like the illusion that you’re single.

[Jared Coffey @jaredcoffen]

@soogz1 I love you

[Jared Coffey @jaredcoffen]

@dallascowboys Vander Esche is Swedish for “thick ass neck.”

[Jared Coffey @jaredcoffen]

@sarahbustani69 He isn’t available, but I am.

[Jared Coffey @jaredcoffen]

I saw a #YouTube video about how to stop procrastinating and added it to my “watch later” playlist.

[Jared Coffey @jaredcoffen]

Just posted a photo @ St. Marys, Georgia https://t.co/cUIsdCGInd

[Jared Coffey @jaredcoffen]

@XXL #NWA Straight Outta Compton. I think I can still recite the whole album by heart.

[Jared Coffey @jaredcoffen]

The only way to get famous on #twitter is by being famous.

[Jared Coffey @jaredcoffen]

People with beards are just people without beards, only with beards.

[Jared Coffey @jaredcoffen]

Don’t look at your responsibilities as burdens. You have a responsibility because of who you are. You have a burden because of who someone else is.

[Jared Coffey @jaredcoffen]

Randy Newman is like a rich man’s Daniel Johnston.

[Jared Coffey @jaredcoffen]

Since the invention of the smartphone, I’ll bet the average time for a dump has gone way up.

[Jared Coffey @jaredcoffen]

A shart is turning a solid into a liquid because you thought it was a gas.

[Jared Coffey @jaredcoffen]

The only mark I’m gonna leave on this world is a carbon footprint.

[Jared Coffey @jaredcoffen]

Why did Jesus walk on water?
To get to the other side.

[Jared Coffey @jaredcoffen]

Yes, @netflix I’m still watching. 12 episodes of @trailerparkboys isn’t quite enough, thank you.

[Jared Coffey @jaredcoffen]

Conspiracy theories are popular because they make dumb people feel smart.

[Jared Coffey @jaredcoffen]

Nicotine + Caffeine = Protein