Jarrett Grode

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[Jarrett Grode @jarrettgrode]

L.A. TIME EXPLAINED

"five minutes away" = anywhere between five and fifteen minutes away, different every time

"twenty minutes away" = literally exactly twenty minutes away

"thirty minutes away" = I'm not going

[Jarrett Grode @jarrettgrode]

"Goal."

-- how that announcer would say it if soccer had a normal amount of scoring

[Jarrett Grode @jarrettgrode]

What do you mean World Cup? It's Mexico vs. South Korea. This is the East Hollywood Cup

[Jarrett Grode @jarrettgrode]

(Guy who has bottle of champagne in fridge exclusively for when Trump dies but also, for some weird reason, equally hates David Hockney)

"Fuck it I'm making an exception"

[Jarrett Grode @jarrettgrode]

I know this is totally one of those things that people from Los Angeles do, but yes, when eating a slice of pizza I take a napkin and blot off all the oil and then eat the napkin because the pizza has carbs

[Jarrett Grode @jarrettgrode]

Finally went by LACMA to see what David Geffen spent all that money on.

He's cute!

[Jarrett Grode @jarrettgrode]

They finally got self-checkout at Smart & Final! Shopping there was already convenient, but now I don't even have to pay for anything!

[Jarrett Grode @jarrettgrode]

Someone just leaned out of their window to call me a faggot because I covered my ears when an ambulance went by.

Hey, asshole? Just drive the ambulance

[Jarrett Grode @jarrettgrode]

I just got a blood test and the nurse took SIX vials! I said, "Hey, save some for me!" so she gave me one of the vials

[Jarrett Grode @jarrettgrode]

Costco truly has the best chicken bake in the world

by default

[Jarrett Grode @jarrettgrode]

If I give up Reform Judaism for Lent does that mean I can just continue doing absolutely nothing or do I have to start attending schul

[Jarrett Grode @jarrettgrode]

If you buy potato chips and the cashier asks if you want a bag, a funny thing to say is "they're already in a bag!"

Of course, I understand some of you may be celebrating Valentine's Day instead

[Jarrett Grode @jarrettgrode]

I hate how street names in Los Angeles change while you're driving on them. There is no reason for Vine to become Rossmore and Virgil to become Hillhurst and Fountain to become Hyperion and Rowena to become Glendale when none of those names are Jewish to begin with

[Jarrett Grode @jarrettgrode]

I keep getting calls from the CDC so I keep declining the call and texting back with "it's too late"

[Jarrett Grode @jarrettgrode]

New England vs Seattle would probably have a much closer score if the game were "have more opioid-addicted citizens"

[Jarrett Grode @jarrettgrode]

Actually, a much better way to avoid anti-Semitism in high school is just get into the magnet program

[Jarrett Grode @jarrettgrode]

The worst part of watching the Super Bowl with girls is when they ask you to explain what's happening in the game while you're trying to watch it

Because I don't know

[Jarrett Grode @jarrettgrode]

The Stupid Bowl is on today

I can't belive they scheduled it opposite the Super Bowl

[Jarrett Grode @jarrettgrode]

The Chipotle app requires a more complicated password than my bank

[Jarrett Grode @jarrettgrode]

I wish I enjoyed social gatherings without alcohol as much as I enjoy alcohol without social gatherings