"This mask is killing me. I can't wear it anymore"!
You know what else will kill you? Covid. Sit down and cover that shit up buttercup.
#COVID19#imsassytoday#sorrynotsorry
Coworker just sneezed. It took everything in me to say "bless you" instead of yelling "scream sneezer!"
I've clearly listened to too much @MyFavMurder lately..
#nosuchthing#ssdgm#screamsneezer
"So my kids school had a genuine lock-down today... I say to her, why did you write that on your arm? She says, 'in case the bad guy got to us and I got killed, you and daddy would know that I love you,' and she started to cry." -Shelley Harrison Reed