Jasmine

Ugh, I know

[Jasmine @jasminedlewis]

Where did you get your sweater, it's really cute, I'd love to be cremated in it.

[Jasmine @jasminedlewis]

I hate that my mom died before seeing the most recent season of Sister Wives.

[Jasmine @jasminedlewis]

The rats at this McDonald’s have really chill vibes.

[Jasmine @jasminedlewis]

My eye was twitching for 2 weeks then stopped, but now I miss it?? Come back, eye twitch. We had such a good time together.

[Jasmine @jasminedlewis]

Buying a shower curtain liner is so depressing.

[Jasmine @jasminedlewis]

Absolutely nothing gives me more confidence than changing light bulbs in my car.

[Jasmine @jasminedlewis]

I wish I loved anything as much as my coworkers loved asking how my mom died after coming back from bereavement.

[Jasmine @jasminedlewis]

I wonder if I look cute in the police body cam footage from when I kept calling the cops on my neighbor for threatening to kill me/trying to break into my apartment.

[Jasmine @jasminedlewis]

I’m excited to announce my new policy of NOT flipping off anyone while driving within a half mile radius of my workplace anymore because the person always ends up being a coworker.

[Jasmine @jasminedlewis]

@chieftwittler Ok, just checking. Welcome back! How’s Satan doing?

[Jasmine @jasminedlewis]

Got messed up on melatonin last night and ordered 3 big boxes of applesauce pouches from Amazon.

[Jasmine @jasminedlewis]

@chieftwittler Holy shit

[Jasmine @jasminedlewis]

I’m always shocked whenever I go to my car and my catalytic converter ISN’T stolen.

[Jasmine @jasminedlewis]

I honked at approximately 4 cars today before 6am. I CRAVE drama. I AM the drama.

[Jasmine @jasminedlewis]

I think this is it. The expensive toothpaste I ordered at 3am is really gonna help fill the void finally.

[Jasmine @jasminedlewis]

Should I marry my Instacart shopper

[Jasmine @jasminedlewis]

I thought something was wrong with my car for 30 minutes until I realized 2 empty La Croix cans were rattling against each other in the cup holders.

[Jasmine @jasminedlewis]

One of the bathrooms at work makes me look kinda okay and the other one makes me look like a Cabbage Patch Kid. It’s totally not just in my head, I swear.

[Jasmine @jasminedlewis]

@linornulman I am the bat.

[Jasmine @jasminedlewis]

@tess_aliza I will not allow someone to stop you.