Jason Planitzer

Comic whose life is loosely based on the John Grisham novel "The Firm"

[Jason Planitzer @jasonplanitzer]

When I speak of Liquid Courage I'm talking about Gatorade Glacier Freeze.

[Jason Planitzer @jasonplanitzer]

These Hertz ads with Tom Brady are unbelievable. Why would Tom Brady ever rent a car instead of just buying one. If I was that rich I'd be buying and abandoning cars all over the place. Last place you'd ever find me is a Hertz waiting room that smells like old coffee & mothballs.

[scharpling @scharpling]

So the Offspring just booted their drummer from the band because he wouldn't get the Covid-19 shot...

I guess you could say that the band decided that they needed to "keep 'em vaccinated!"

PLEASE DO NOT STEAL THIS JOKE

PLEASE GIVE ME FULL CREDIT FOR THIS JOKE

[Jason Planitzer @jasonplanitzer]

Is there a documentary about Dean Cain’s post-Lois & Clark career called “Citizen Cain” because there should be.

[The Last Blockbuster @loneblockbuster]

May Staff Picks!

Colleen: Bee Movie (2007)
Emily: Gangs Of New York (2002)
Parker: Was laid off
Liam: Was laid off

[Jason Planitzer @jasonplanitzer]

Cranston the only person in the Dolby Theater acting like he hasn’t been cooking meth in there the last 13 months...

[Jason Planitzer @jasonplanitzer]

Microdosing The Beatles listening to only the solo albums

[Jake Flores 🇵🇸🇲🇽 @feraljokes]

What if we make cops do a captcha before they can get their gun out

[Jason Planitzer @jasonplanitzer]

Guy on the street asked me if he could buy one cigarette for $1, I said no but I’ll sell you one Tylenol PM for 25 cents.

[Jason Planitzer @jasonplanitzer]

In all seriousness, is anyone else experiencing this type of difficulty getting an appointment? Because I’m seeing a lot of vaccination card pics on IG...

[Jason Planitzer @jasonplanitzer]

As a resident of Greenpoint, Brooklyn I’m very excited to have just booked an appointment for my first dosage on March 22, 2021 in Rochester, NY!

[Jason Planitzer @jasonplanitzer]

I'm about to overpay someone outside of MSG for a goddamned vaccine appointment I can feel it

[Jason Planitzer @jasonplanitzer]

Girl Talk should rip an album of Catholic Church hymns...

[Jason Planitzer @jasonplanitzer]

And the whole day I’m walking around thinking to myself “Now I have to throw these socks away. This all could have been avoided if I’d just put this sock on the other foot on my first attempt, I never would have been the wiser...” 🧦

[Jason Planitzer @jasonplanitzer]

If I have a pair of socks I’ve forgotten about with a hole in one of them, I will ALWAYS 10/10 TIMES put the sock w the hole right smack on my big toe! Now I have to switch feet and pretend there’s not a hole on my pinky toe, but I know it’s there...

[Jason Planitzer @jasonplanitzer]

@megetz I can’t believe there aren’t over 500 accidents a month in that lot!

[Jason Planitzer @jasonplanitzer]

Congratulations to Trader Joe’s on Metropolitan Ave in Forest Hills, Queens for being voted by @jasonplanitzer as WORST PARKING LOT IN AMERICA for the third year in a row!

[Jason Planitzer @jasonplanitzer]

Chunky Pepsi.

[Jason Planitzer @jasonplanitzer]

I wish the vintage Lacoste shirt I lost in 2003 was accessible in the cloud instead of these six photos I sent to my dermatologist two years ago.

[Lindsay Gibbs @linzsports]

Stop glamorizing “the grind” and start glamorizing getting 7+ hours of sleep at night, having healthy relationships, feeling safe at work, taking sick days, being paid a living wage, working hard when you’re at work, boundaries, and self-caring your way to success.