Jay

[Jay @jayhasthoughts]

i’m not actually bipolar either, just a turn of phrase to describe my mood swings. might’ve fucked my brain chemistry. it all happens internally tho, i don’t think anyone else knows or notices my mood i put up a great front. which is why i need this to talk about it

[Jay @jayhasthoughts]

this is actually a peak year as well. in my prime, doing fun shit living the dream with good people. so bipolar so many mood swings in secret and being completely guided by my emotions/urges just makes me need this account to vent. troughs feel worse, i just want to vent im chill

[Jay @jayhasthoughts]

shambolic. then do some fuck shit to try and ruin platonic relationships too. classic, absolute mess

[Jay @jayhasthoughts]

actually might be some deep rooted feelings of inadequacy that make me completely sabotage any chance of serious connection. anything surrounding that shit is just deeply fucked for me. and by that shit i mean relationships and love and list

[Jay @jayhasthoughts]

would explain why i’m sooo picky. and when i get with any1 who is basically actually perfect i just feel like they’re doing charity work or i don’t deserve them. then i sabotage it, lol classic. isolate whenever something is stirring.

[Jay @jayhasthoughts]

living on borrowed time not sure when my actions might blow up in my face. it’s not inevitable and that makes it worse. i’ll sit with this guilt for a while and i think it’s justified

[Jay @jayhasthoughts]

hate how selfishly i’ve acted. so narrow minded and being a slave to my emotions with no thought of other people. just a wrecking ball to act entirely based on urges

[Jay @jayhasthoughts]

you never think you’ll act like other people until you’re in other people’s positions, and you see yourself doing the same thing

[Jay @jayhasthoughts]

life just feels like everything happens way too early or a little too late

[Jay @jayhasthoughts]

maybe going out and doing shit is fucking with my brain chemistry, too many highs and too many lows. prefer a consistent contentness than such volatile emotions

[Jay @jayhasthoughts]

couldn’t get the noise to stop tonight

[Jay @jayhasthoughts]

what a depressing month january already is. always has me contemplating whether or not i truly like myself

[Jay @jayhasthoughts]

i would give it all up to be an animal. just raw instinct no responsibilities or conscious existential consideration. just travel through forests by foot eating whatever sleeping wherever. what a life. hope reincarnation is real so i can experience true bliss

[Jay @jayhasthoughts]

seriously. so ashamed to put my head in the guillotine, so ashamed to just open up and allow myself closure. it’s not even like embarrassment about being rejected it’s just the shame of even wanting to be wanted at all. worst case i get closure best it all works out. idk man

[Jay @jayhasthoughts]

why do i always feel so ashamed about wanting to be loved?

[Jay @jayhasthoughts]

buump

[Jay @jayhasthoughts]

god i fucking WISH i was aromantic im literally up at 2:30 lying in bed thinking about women that r out of my league tryna read the signs on if they’re into me or not god i fucking HATE my shit life

[Jay @jayhasthoughts]

that feeling of inadequacy is eating me alive

[Jay @jayhasthoughts]

just kidding i love my life 😁😁😁 and women 😁😁😁 and i meant to say big thinkers instead of big sayers earlier

[Jay @jayhasthoughts]

this sadness that i can’t share my life with someone eventually has to surpass my fear of commitment/rejection. but really it’s those fears that stop me from building a bridge to make that leap of faith easier. so self-sabotaging, im just hoping to trip into a deep connection